Q: I used to masturbate a lot but i stopped now I don’t have sexual feelings for long while having sex with my husband.
A: Based on how you worded your question, it sounds to me like there was a correlation between how frequently you masturbated and feelings of greater sexual satisfaction with your husband. Many individuals believe that if they have a sexual partner, their need for self-pleasure should go down. This couldn’t be further from the truth! While some individuals are generally more turned on by partnered sex, many still like to make sure they’ve filled up their own tank before taking off to enjoy sex with another.
There are many wonderful benefits of masturbation. Masturbation is a great way to get to know your body, understand what kinds of physical sensations turn you on, release sexual tension when your partner isn’t available, tap into personal fantasies you may have, relieve stress and tension, improve your relationship with your body, and more.
So I guess my first question to you is, why have you stopped masturbating? Have you changed how you carve out time for yourself more generally? Have other areas of self-care and attention also been lacking in your life? If you can’t pinpoint exactly what the reason may be, it would be worth talking with a professional who can do a thorough assessment to help you understand what may be going on.
Sexuality is very complex. There are many factors or combinations of factors that can contribute to changes in your sexuality. Changes in stress, conflict in your relationships, history of trauma, body image issues, influence of culture or religion, medications, life adjustments (like having kids or moving) are just a few of the many factors that can affect your sexuality. Interestingly, the effect of some of these factors may not be felt early on in your relationship due to the wonderful intensity and euphoria that a new relationship brings. It may not be until things settle down that the effect of life can take its toll. But thankfully, it’s usually something that can be worked through. You can find a sex therapist in your area through the websites of AASECT or SSTAR.
Kudos to you for enjoying masturbation and wanting to regain your sexual satisfaction with your husband.
About Emily deAyala
Emily deAyala, MA, LMFT is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist practicing in Houston, TX. In addition to her clinical practice, REVIVE therapy & healing, Emily reaches out to the community as much as possible. She has given many guest lectures at Baylor College of Medicine, Rice University, MD Anderson, Methodist Hospital, and at various support groups and meetings in the Houston area. Her expert opinion has been featured on NBC, CBS, USA Today, The Houston Chronicle, Men’s Fitness, Women’s Health, and more.