March 7, 2001

Q&A: My Friend Is Coming On To Me And I Don’t Know What To Do

Q&A about how to deal with a friend who is crossing personal boundaries around sexuality and sexual orientation.

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Question: I have a close friend who I think might be gay. That does not bother me. What bothers me is that she is always offering to go down on me, cuddle with me, and she often grabs my ass. She also fondles and talks about 3 of our friend’s breasts constantly. One night, a friend came home drunk, and this girl proceeded to take off the other girl’s bra and jeans, then brag about it the next day. It makes all of us really uncomfortable, and we don’t know what to do.

Just because you are comfortable with a person’s sexual identity does not mean you should be comfortable with them crossing personal boundaries. If someone’s actions make you uncomfortable, there is a strong chance that his or her behavior is inappropriate. Would it be acceptable for a heterosexual male friend of yours to do the things your female friend does? If the answer is no, then it is not okay for your female friend either.

Talking to your friend would probably be a good step. If she hasn’t officially “come out” to you yet, her actions may be ways for her to test boundaries and see how you (and your friends) would respond to her sexual identity. By not coming right out and discussing it, she may feel her only option is to play these intrusive (and unacceptable) games.

Let your friend know that her sexual identity will have no impact on your friendship. Also let her know, however, that her current behavior makes you uncomfortable–not because she is gay, but because it is sexually intrusive and inappropriate. It is simply not okay for someone to touch another person sexually without their consent and for someone to constantly make sexual references and innuendoes.

Let your friend know that it is safe to come out to you. This alone may quell her negative behaviors. If it doesn’t, make sure you tell her that you value her friendship, but her behavior makes you uncomfortable.

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