Question: I am a 20 year old white male and have had a very unfulfilling sex life. I have wondered if it is due to my size or due to my choice in partners. I have never considered myself well endowed as I am only about 9 3/4″ when erect and a good handful in girth. My previous partners have either not allowed me to penetrate all the way or as soon as they reached orgasm from intercourse they would have me stop. If this is a size is too much issue is there things that can remedy the size or is this a partner issue of them not being able to handle it. I am seeking help because I am back in school and looking for a wonderful relationship but I don’t want to take what is wonderful and end up disappointed anymore because of not being able to have myself satisfied or not being able to do anything more then missionary position. Are there ways to work with the size issue to make it better for both partners, or is there some way to be reduced in size so I can have a more exciting an exploratory sex life?
Judging by the large number of advertisements for penis enlargement products such as pills, herbs and weights (that aren’t considered safe and effective by medical organizations, but that doesn’t seem to stop the advertising claims), it seems that many men are interested in having longer or thicker erect penises. What is less often openly discussed is that men who have considerably larger than average erect penises often find it difficult to have comfortable sex lives with partners. It’s not that it is impossible to find a sex partner or to have comfortable, fun, exciting sex; rather, our culture is so focused on the “bigger is better” message that very little information is publicly available for men who are dealing with the challenges of having a generally large penis.
Men with very large penises (flaccid or erect) have described challenges including locker room teasing, finding a large bathing suit to comfortably “contain” their genitals, and feeling embarrassed while peeing next to other men at public urinals. Because you are writing about sexual challenges, let’s address those.
Since you are interested in sex with women, it may be helpful to understand more about women’s bodies. The vagina, in an unaroused state, is only about 3 or 4 inches long. When a woman becomes sexually aroused, her uterus tips upward which creates more space in the vagina, making it about 6 or so inches long. Rarely will you find a woman who can comfortably accept nearly ten inches of an erect penis inside her vagina, which is perhaps why you have found that your partners have tended not to allow you to penetrate their vaginas all of the way. It is not necessarily that they do not like you or feel attracted to you, but they may not be able to physically take all of your length – or, if they can, it may not be comfortable. That doesn’t mean you can’t made adjustments that will enhance your sex life.
Though there are no safe and effective procedures available to reduce your penile size, you can choose positions that are more shallow (for example, with her legs closer together rather than spread apart) or that offer your partner more control over how much she takes in and at what pace (such as woman on top). You can also use a sex toy such as a masturbation sleeve that has two openings (the Super Stretch by pureromance.com is one option) and a good deal of water-based lubricant, and slide it down the shaft of your penis and then have your partner sit on top of your penis for sex. This will provide more stimulation along the shaft of your penis and yet leave fewer inches for your partner to take into her vagina. If your girth (circumference) also feels a bit thick, using a good amount of personal lubricant (water or silicone based lube, if you are using latex condoms) can help sex to feel more comfortable and pleasurable for you both.
Most individuals and couples face unique sexual challenges at some point either due to genital size (smaller or bigger than they’d like), how they fit with a partner, erections, ejaculation (coming more quickly or later than they’d like), lubrication, arousal, sex drive, medical conditions, relationship issues, self-esteem, personal histories of abuse or any other number of issues that can affect a person or a couple’s sexual life. This may be your particular challenge. Again, it does not mean that you can’t have fulfilling and explorative sex, but it may mean that you need to focus on communication, exploration and talking with a partner about what you can comfortably and pleasurably do with each other (something most couples should be doing anyway).
To connect with other men dealing with similar issues, check out the Large Penis Support Group (lpsg.org) and to learn more about sexual communication and exploration, check out The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex or The Guide to Getting It On.
Originally published September 24, 2007