September 18, 2014

Q&A: My Brother Had Sex With Me When I Was Small. Am I A Virgin?

Yes, you are still a virgin. Even if your brother or any other older boy or adult penetrated you when you were a child, you are still a virgin.

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Question: My brother had sex with me when I was very small, but blood didn’t come out. Does it means I am still a virgin?

You Are Still a Virgin

Yes, you are still a virgin. Even if your brother or any other older boy or adult penetrated you when you were a child, you are still a virgin. Many things happen to children that they cannot control. Children cannot consent or agree to sex in the way that teenagers or adults can make choices about their body or their sexual feelings.

Now that you are older, you can make choices about who you want to be sexual with and when and why and under what circumstances.

How Are You Feeling?

You didn’t mention how you are feeling about this experience as a child, but if you want to seek counseling or talk with someone about it you can find a therapist through the website of the American Psychological Association which is apa.org or you can talk with someone through the Rape, Abuse, and Incest Network which is rainn.org.

Not everyone who was molested or abused as a child has bad feelings about it. Some people feel like they were too young to understand. Some people feel like it was something wrong that the other person did but that fortunately they were not harmed by it. And if you don’t have those bad feelings, that is okay too.

Sometimes I’ve had college students in my class who wonder if something is wrong with them for not hating the person who abused them or for not feeling damaged, and there’s not. Research is clear that children who have had sexual contact with much older kids or with adults have a very wide range of reactions to those experiences. If you don’t need to talk with anyone about it or get additional support, there’s no need to, but I wanted to offer you some resources just in case. I wish you only the best.