March 2, 2018

Q & A: Where Are All The Feels?

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Kama Sutra

Um, yeah, next.

Q. I love my husband very much and want to make love to him — but I don’t get excited down there when we have foreplay and he rubs my clitoris and licks my vagina, like my friends say they do. I don’t get wet and I don’t have an orgasm. But we want a baby. What can I do to correct it?

A. It may be helpful to know that not all women feel sexually excited from having their clitoris rubbed or their vaginal entrance licked. Some women feel excited and lubricate when they engage in those behaviors; others do not. That does not mean that you won’t feel physically excited by other types of sex or touch, though. It also does not mean that you can’t have a baby. A woman may become pregnant whether or not she lubricates or has an orgasm during sex. Your level of sexual excitement has nothing to do with your ability to become pregnant – unless you’re avoiding sex because it’s not exciting.

However, if you have concerns about your fertility or questions about how to improve your chances of becoming pregnant, check in with a gynecologist or your primary healthcare provider.

Change It Up

I would encourage you and your partner to explore your sexuality in a broader, more expansive way and to pay attention to your emotional experience of sex rather than only your physical sensations. How does it feel when your husband touches your breasts, your inner thighs, or when he massages your back? How do you feel when you touch him on different parts of his body? You may find it pleasurable or informative to experience different types of touch together.

Rubbing each others’ bodies with a massage cream or a lotion can feel very different, sensually speaking, than rubbing each other with dry hands. Using a slow rhythm can feel different than a quick rhythm.

There are also clear differences between being touched or licked in ways that are gentle versus ways that are firm. As you two explore, you may find that you do enjoy being stimulated on your clitoris or around your vaginal entrance but that you prefer different types of touch or licks than you have previously been exploring.

Or you may find that you don’t respond to genital stimulation as greatly as you respond to breast stimulation or to lots and lots of kissing. That’s okay. All women have different experiences from each other.

To learn more about exploring each other’s bodies, as well as enhancing emotional intimacy, in ways that will promote more pleasurable sex, check out Come as You Are or For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy or the web site

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