Q: One night I was with a girl and I ejaculated quickly after receiving a hand-job. Then we were about to have sex — however, I was unable to get it up, and since I am a virgin I was worried about the situation. Do I have any sexual problems? Is there anything I can do to be able to get it up and can I do anything to make my self last longer?
A: It is unlikely that you have are experiencing any unusual sexual problems. In fact, your experience sounds like a common. Many men of all ages experience what some call premature ejaculation or rapid ejaculation, which are terms used to describe ejaculating more quickly than one might like or have planned.
This is particularly common among young men and men who are just beginning to become sexually active with a partner. As you seem to be somewhat new to partnered sex play, it is not surprising that you might ejaculate quickly after hand stimulation. After all, becoming sexually active with a partner can feel exciting!
This Is Totally Normal
It is also not surprising that you found it difficult to get another erection shortly after ejaculating. This is because of men’s refractory period, which is the time between one ejaculation and the possibility for another ejaculation.
Some men find that they can get another erection soon after ejaculation, but they can’t always ejaculate again from that erection. Other men find that they cannot get another erection for hours or even a day following an ejaculation.
Your refractory period can vary greatly from day to day, and typically lengthens with aging. Also, you cannot change your refractory period or erections, and worrying or stressing out about your erections can actually make it more difficult to get another erection, so try not to put any pressure on yourself to get or to maintain an erection. And yes, I understand that is easier said than done.
Here’s Your Opportunity To Explore
If you find yourself in a situation where you want an erection but it doesn’t seem to be happening, try to focus on non-genital types of sexual play that you find arousing but that are not focused on your penis such as kissing, breast play, sensual touching or stimulating your partner’s genitals with your fingers, lips or tongue.
It is also worth asking yourself if you were feeling anxious for other reasons, or if you were feeling interested enough in this particular girl or about having sex on this particular night. In spite of gender stereotypes about men always being “ready for sex”, in fact many young men report that it is difficult to get or to maintain an erection with a partner they don’t know very well or only “sort of” like.
There are some techniques that can help you to improve what’s called “ejaculatory control” (the ability to come when you want to come, not when it “just happens”) including the stop-start and squeeze techniques. Both are detailed in the book The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions and elsewhere on our website.