August 3, 2018

Q & A: The Thought Is So Hot, The Reality So Not!

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man in bed

Should I act on my fantasies?

Q: Why is it that the thought of sex with another man is incredibly arousing, but when I go to engage in the act I feel no arousal? I identify as a straight man and I love having sex with my girlfriend, but this just sometimes bothers me.

A: Sexual attractions and fantasies are complex and don’t always match up with how we view ourselves.

It’s common to have fantasies that one never actually wants to act on in waking life. Many people have fantasies about sexual acts or genders or people or types of people that they simply aren’t into in real life. If this fantasy is a secret you are keeping from your girlfriend, it’s possible the secrecy is a major cause of your arousal.

You may want to explore what arouses you about the idea of sex with another man and determine if it is possible to replicate this your partner. For example, some people prefer to be a giver not a receiver of anal sex or vice versa. If you fantasize about receiving anal penetration, perhaps your girlfriend would be into penetrating you with a dildo or a strap-on (remember that using lots of water- or silicone-based lubricant can enhance comfort and pleasure).

It’s Up To You

When it comes to the idea of attractions to other men, only you can truly answer that question.  There are many possibilities, one of which may be internalized homophobia.  Internalized homophobia, which is negative stereotypes, beliefs, stigma, and prejudice about LGBTQ+ individuals that one turns inward on themselves, can act as a mental barrier to enjoying acts associated with those negative thoughts or feelings (Meyer, 2013).

You could also just not be ready, or maybe you only enjoy the fantasy of it.  The important thing to remember is that these are all common aspects of human sexuality, and to provide yourself with room to grow.  You might also check out the website by AASECT certified sex therapist Joe Kort.

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