Q: I have had sex with several men. I enjoy the foreplay with them but when their penis enters me I suddenly lose all interest in sex and just wait for them to cum. I have an interest in women and I’ve kissed a few. When I masturbate or have fantasies it’s always with women. I want to be with a woman, but I don’t mind being with men until we have sex. Have I not met the right man? Is there something wrong with me and or my vagina? Or should I try sex with women to figure it out?
A: Sex and desire are complicated! Anyone who tells you differently is probably not very well versed in the spectrum of the human experience. Why we like what we like and what to do about it are things most people have pondered at some point in their lives. Let’s discuss some of the different points in your series of questions for you to explore.
To begin with, there is a difference between romantic and sexual orientation. We can romantically love and connect to people of one or many genders. Additionally we can have sexual feelings toward people of one or many genders and, believe it or not, those two identities don’t always match up.
So can you desire men and women? Definitely! Can you want the same or different interacts with people of different genders? Absolutely! You can know that you like being with men in many ways and also want to be intimate with women. Those are both things you can have and enjoy and that don’t have to conflict with each other. If being with women is something you desire you have every right to explore that and you can still enjoy men at the same time.
Secondly, you ask if there is something wrong with your body or mind because you don’t love intercourse with a penis. It is so important to know that sex is not a single dish, it is a whole buffet of delicious activities. Even with a man you can say, “I love these certain sexual activities but I’m not that interested in genital intercourse.” Your partner might be surprised, as many straight people are so used to intercourse being the ultimate goal, but if you offer things like mutual masturbation or mutually using your hands or mutual oral sex instead they might very much enjoy those alternatives. We are all allowed to state and embrace our wants and needs inside and outside the bedroom, and that is not weird or wrong or unhealthy at all. Enjoy the journey!
Laura McGuire, PhD is a certified full-spectrum doula, professional teacher, AASECT-certified sexuality educator, and vinyasa yoga instructor. Her experience includes working in both public and private sectors, middle schools, high schools, and university settings. She was the first Sexual Violence Prevention and Education Program Manager at the University of Houston in 2015. She lives in New York where she works as a full-time educator and advocate.