April 24, 2017

Q & A: I Came Out As Bisexual Years Ago, So Why Am I Lonely?

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Shame

How do I find someone?

You’re asking thoughtful and important questions. I find that ultimately most people feel good when they are able to be open about who they are. That doesn’t mean that it always feels good, or that it is always an easy path in life, no matter someone’s age or gender or orientation. Everybody feels lonely sometimes – even people who are mostly happy in a relationship or marriage. Loneliness is such a part of the human condition that Dr. Seuss even included descriptions of  it in this book, Oh, The Places You’ll Go! It’s also the subject of many books for adults, including Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection.

Talk About It, Maybe

As you continue to learn more about and accept yourself, you may find it helpful to meet (even if just for a few times) with a sex therapist who can help you explore some of these issues related to sexual orientation, sexual behavior, loneliness, and intimacy. You can find a therapist in your area through aasect.org or sstarnet.org.

Get Out There, Definitely

As for how to initiate a long term relationship, I wonder what you’ve tried so far? Some people find it helpful to share with friends, family, and co-workers that they are hoping to find someone to be in a relationship with. The more that people know this is something you are interested in, they may offer to connect you with potential dates.

People also commonly meet dates and relationship partners by engaging in hobbies or interests such as hiking or running clubs, working out at a gym, playing sports, taking cooking or language classes, and so on. Some travel companies specialize in planning trips for gay and bisexual men and that may be another option, as is online dating. If you choose online dating, you might consider being open about wanting to explore a long term relationship so that you are clear to others what it is that you want. Once you meet people, opening yourself up, being vulnerable, sharing about yourself, and being a good listener to others are key skills to getting to know each other and seeing if there’s a good potential fit for a developing relationship. A book you might particularly find helpful is 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Dr. Joe Kort. Another classic book is called The Male Couple.

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