January 12, 2009

Q&A: Pregnancy Planning and Deception

A female reader has questions about pregnancy and deception and Dr. Debby suggests some better ways of communicating her conception desires to her husband.

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Question: My husband and I use condoms for protection and recently we had a scare when a condom broke. I ended up not being pregnant. At first he said he was disappointed that I wasn’t pregnant, then said he was relieved since money is tight. I then did something that I can’t even explain to myself. The next time we had sex, I emptied one of the condoms inside me when my husband was out of the room. Is it possible that I can get pregnant this way? I know that I shouldn’t have done this but I would love for us to get pregnant.

While it is possible to get pregnant from taking a man’s ejaculate from the condom and inserting it into your vagina, I wouldn’t recommend it – as you can imagine.

You said yourself that the fact that you emptied his condom inside your vagina is something you cannot explain to yourself, even now, except to say, of course, that you want to become pregnant and he doesn’t.

A Betrayal Of Trust

It takes two to tango for a reason, I suppose, and perhaps a major reason is that maintaining a healthy pregnancy and raising a child is often healthier for the child – and healthier for the couple – when it has been done without deception.

By having sex with a condom, you and your husband have made the choice to not risk getting pregnant at the moment. And while he may have moments of wanting to have a baby with you, he also has hesitations. Taking his semen in secret is a betrayal of the trust that he gives you, and such deception could cause problems in your relationship.

It can be difficult, and sensitive, for a couple to talk openly and honestly with each other about their feelings related to getting pregnant and yet communication is very important, as is honesty.

Talk To Your Husband

If you would like to become pregnant, please consider ways in which you could talk to your husband about this possibility rather than going about it in ways that betray his trust. He may have good reasons for not yet wanting to become pregnant together than go above and beyond money.

Also, if you are serious about becoming pregnant, it would be a wise idea to talk to your gynecologist to learn whether there are any personal health issues that you might want to address now rather than once a pregnancy is already underway. He or she might also advise you on other issues related to having a healthy pregnancy, that you can start now, such as taking prenatal vitamins, avoiding cigarette smoke, diet and exercise.

Learn More

You can learn more about pregnancy by reading Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth.