October 4, 2010

Q&A: I Don’t Enjoy Touching My Husband Or Giving Him Oral Sex.

I’ve worked as a sex researcher for nearly 12 years and at the heart of most people’s questions is a desire to know whether or not they are “normal.”

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Question: I don’t enjoy giving my husband oral sex, and he feels the same way. I’m not big on rubbing all over him, but I want him to rub and touch me. Is this normal?

I’ve worked as a sex researcher and educator for nearly 12 years now and I have to tell you: at the heart of most people’s questions is a desire to know whether or not they are “normal.”

However, I look at the science of sexuality, what sticks out is that sexuality is incredibly diverse. There is no one way that people live their sexual lives.

Hugging, Touching, Squeezing

Although most men and women in the US have tried oral sex, not everyone likes it and not everyone keeps doing it. If you and your husband don’t like oral sex, then it probably makes it easier that you both feel the same way. It can be more difficult when one person likes oral sex a lot and the other person in the relationship doesn’t like oral sex.

You’re in a similar situation with rubbing and touching. You like it but your husband does not.

It’s certainly common and healthy to enjoy rubbing and touching, but it’s also common and healthy to not like it. Neither one of you is right or wrong.

Compromises in Bed

However, you might want to come to some understanding of how you can have enjoyable sex.

Perhaps there are other things that your husband enjoys and that you can do to please him. And perhaps you can think of other things that you enjoy so that he can rub and touch you some nights but not others.

More Information

You might find it helpful to read Because It Feels Good or Moregasm, two books that are focused on sexual exploration and communication between couples.

By learning to talk more about sex, and to explore each other’s bodies and interests, you may be better positioned to create a sex life that will feel pleasurable and satisfying for both of you.

Next Question: Frustrated By Long Blowjob With A Virgin

“I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. I am his first girlfriend and he’s never had sex before. He hasn’t been able to reach an orgasm from a hand job, so I find a blow job the only way of pleasing him. However, it still takes him a while – sometimes nearly 45 minutes. He says that I’m not doing anything to cause him pain or discomfort and that he gets close but then it just starts to feel ‘different.’ Is there anything that I can do or avoid doing to try to help him? At first I thought he was just nervous and I tried to get him to relax, but now I am starting to get a little frustrated.”

Read Dr. Debby Herbenick’s response.

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