Q&A: Why Can’t Women Easily Achieve Orgasm?
Posted November 16, 2009
QUESTION: I have regular sex with my boyfriend, which always feels great, but I have yet to orgasm. I’ve tried masturbation and we’ve tried many positions, but nothing seems to work. I don't think this problem is in my head. I’m in love and completely trust him. Is there something wrong with me?
Photo: -= ierkof =- (flickr)
If only love, trust and a swanky sex position were all it took for a woman to learn to experience orgasm during intercourse. In fact, many women do not ever experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse – even those that try hard.
Other times, women who learn to experience orgasm during intercourse find that it takes times and a little more practice than one would guess from reading articles in women’s magazines that make orgasm seem as easy as picking up the latest fashions.
Physical Vs. Mental
It is unlikely that your orgasmic difficulties are purely physical in nature. It is quite uncommon for a woman to be physically unable to experience orgasm.
Though we don’t fully understand how women’s orgasms happen, it seems that there are several possible pathways to orgasm. What works for your friends or what has worked for your boyfriend’s exes may not work for you.
Connecting During Sex
It is likely the case that you will find it easier to orgasm, over time, if you take the time to focus on sex as a form of mutual pleasure and connection rather than focusing too hard on whether or not you will orgasm from it. Learning to relax, let go and touch and be touched in enjoyable ways can also make for a more satisfying sexual experience together.
Tips and Tricks
The coital alignment technique is one of the only sex positions that has been specifically researched and found to be effective in helping some women learn to orgasm. It is described in detail, along with an illustration and other tips for easier orgasm, in the book Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure.
Other times, women find that orgasm is helped by using a vibrator alone or with a partner. You might consider using a small vibrator on your clitoris during intercourse or try a vibrating couples toy such as a vibrating ring.
Relax and Enjoy
Most women who are interested in learning to orgasm do, with time, learn to do so. In the mean time, try to relax and explore with each other in pleasurable, connecting ways that help you to feel closer and more satisfied with each other.