http://kinseyconfidential.org Just another WordPress weblog Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:00:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 en hourly 1 2006-2007 aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) posts 1440 Just another WordPress weblog Kinsey Confidential Kinsey Confidential aschweig@indiana.edu No no http://kinseyconfidential.org/wp-content/themes/kinsey/images/kinsey-podcast-300.jpg http://kinseyconfidential.org 144 144 http://kinseyconfidential.org/normal-fantasize-sex-random-women/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/normal-fantasize-sex-random-women/#comments Thu, 11 Feb 2010 14:00:18 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1373 http://kinseyconfidential.org/normal-fantasize-sex-random-women/feed/ 0 3:17 Everyone Does It Yes, it is very common for women and men to fantasize about people other than their own partner. In fact, a study published ... Everyone Does It Yes, it is very common for women and men to fantasize about people other than their own partner. In fact, a study published in 2001 in The Journal of Sex Research found that, among 349 women and men ages 18 to 70, all of whom were in relationships at the time of the study, 98% of men and 80% of women said that they had fantasized about someone other than their partner over the previous 2 months. Why fantasize about someone else? Some people find it very stimulating to think about having sex with a friend, a co-worker, a classmate, a total stranger or even a celebrity. These fantasies may occur alone during masturbation or even in the middle of having sex with onersquo;s partner. Bucking the Routine The 2001 research study also found that sexual fantasies about other people are more common as people tend to stay together longer. This makes sense: as much as people may feel committed to each other, sex does tend to change in long term relationships. Couples tend to have sex less often with each other and, when they do have sex, it may feel more routine or less exciting than it did at first. As they look for ways to enhance their arousal and pleasure, they may find that fantasizing about others helps or is fun to do. Mental Infidelity Whether you consider this to be ldquo;cheatingrdquo; or not is more up to you than me. People have their own definitions of what cheating is so it is important for couples to communicate and decide what is or is not okay in the context of their own relationship. Most people would probably not consider fantasizing about others to be cheating ndash; particularly as most women and men do fantasize about people other than their partner. However, some might feel that it feels wrong or inappropriate to them. Fantasy vs. Real Life Sexual fantasies allow people to explore their sexual feelings in often very safe ways. In fantasy, you can explore sides of yourself without having to worry about what is politically correct or who is or is not actually available to you in real life. People can act out romantic sexual fantasies or very explicit no-feelings-involved sexual fantasies. They can be powerful or submissive, have sex with one person or many, or approach a stranger or even a long lost, high school love for sex, massage, making out or to become pregnant. Then, in the blink of an eye, one can turn the fantasy off, return to regular life or return to thinking about onersquo;s own partner. More Information To learn more about sexual fantasies and exploration, consider reading The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex or The Guide to Getting It On. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/women-masturbate-lesbian/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/women-masturbate-lesbian/#comments Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:00:41 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1255 http://kinseyconfidential.org/women-masturbate-lesbian/feed/ 0 3:16 Determining Sexual Orientation Great question! Although many people wonder if there is an easy way to know if a person is gay, straight, bisexual or some ... Determining Sexual Orientation Great question! Although many people wonder if there is an easy way to know if a person is gay, straight, bisexual or some other sexual orientation, the fact is that there is not. Many scientists consider a personrsquo;s sexual orientation to reflect a larger pattern of their romantic and sexual attractions such that women who identify as straight tend, for the most part, to be romantically and sexually attracted to men whereas women who identify as lesbian tend to be romantically and sexually attracted to women. Experiences, Thoughts, and Labels Don't Always Match Up Of course, few things in life are cut and dry and neither is sexual orientation. Some women who identify as heterosexual have explored sexually with other women. They may have kissed other women or engaged in oral sex, breast touching or genital touching with other women. Then again, some women who identify as heterosexual have never engaged in sexual activity with women in waking life, but they may have had pleasurable, satisfying sex dreams about women. Or, like you, they may find that their preferred fantasies during masturbation involve women. The fact that you get turned on thinking of other girls doesnrsquo;t minimize the fact that you also get turned on by your boyfriend. By the same token, many lesbian women have had some type of sexual contact with men. Some lesbian identified women may include men in their sexual fantasies or may have also had enjoyable sex dreams involving men. Just because a lesbian woman enjoys thinking about men or masturbating to images of men ndash; or images of men and women having sex together ndash; does not mean that her true orientation is heterosexual. Research About Sexual Attraction Pioneering sexuality researcher Dr. Alfred Kinsey suggested that sexuality was a rather fluid concept. He found that people sometimes experienced different sexual attractions at different points in their lives and that a personrsquo;s sexual behaviors, dreams and fantasies could vary. He also felt that, based on his research, more people would be attracted to both men and women if only society didnrsquo;t suppress these attractions. Labels Can Change Throughout Life Whether you identify as heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual is up to you. You may find that one label suits you well now and, later in life, you may find that a different sexual orientation label better reflects your feelings and attractions. However you decide to label yourself, try to let go of any stress or anxiety about how you ldquo;shouldrdquo; or ldquo;shouldnrsquo;trdquo; feel sexually. What you find arousing and exciting during your partnered sex play as well as during your masturbation fantasies is likely to keep evolving with time. By keeping an open and accepting mind toward your own experience, you can continue to explore your sexuality in positive ways. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Sexual,Orientation aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/test-find-out-bisexual/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/test-find-out-bisexual/#comments Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:00:27 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1245 http://kinseyconfidential.org/test-find-out-bisexual/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-dreams-marital-infidelity/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-dreams-marital-infidelity/#comments Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:00:27 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=848 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-dreams-marital-infidelity/feed/ 1 3:11 We get quite a lot of questions about sexual fantasies and with good reason: fantasies are a part of a person's sexual life that differs ... We get quite a lot of questions about sexual fantasies and with good reason: fantasies are a part of a person's sexual life that differs from reality in important ways. In fantasy, a person can do whatever they like and feel safe doing it. They can imagine doing things that they might never do in real life, for whatever reason - either because it's not actually appealing to them in real life or because they would feel too scared, threatened, or uncomfortable in real life. In fantasy, however, a person can control every detail of a sexual experience and make it a perfect, arousing, enjoyable experience. Fantasies Not Necessarily Reality The fact that your wife has had dreams or fantasies of lesbian sex, sex with multiple men and sex with men she does not know does not, in and of itself, mean that you are losing her, that she wants to have sex with other people or that there is anything troubling about her sexuality or your relationship together. In fact, it is quite common for women and men to have fantasies of different types of sex. The fact that your wife feels comfortable sharing the details of her sexual dreams and fantasies with you may suggest that she feels close to you, and that she trusts you to listen to her otherwise private thoughts. In other words, rather than signaling anything troubling about your relationship, her sharing her fantasies with you may actually be a sign of something very positive, safe and trusting about your relationship. That said, it is true that sometimes women and men secretly wish that they could have sex with someone else. That doesn't mean that they will actually do so; it often is just a sign of the strength of the human sex drive. Perhaps you can recall a time when you have seen someone who you found very attractive and wondered what it was like to be sexual with them. Just because people have these thoughts does not necessarily mean that their relationship is in trouble. Talk To Her About Your Concerns If you have questions about your wife's sexual fantasies, or her feelings for you, try talking to her in a gentle way that suggests you want to understand and connect with her, rather than judge her. As for her orgasm ability, it is quite common for women to find it difficult to orgasm. It tends to be easier for men to orgasm than it is for women, especially during vaginal intercourse, and many women stimulate themselves to orgasm. To Learn More You can learn more about both fantasy and female orgasm in the book For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-orientation-confusion/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-orientation-confusion/#comments Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:00:06 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=480 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-orientation-confusion/feed/ 0 3:41 While we cannot tell you what your sexual orientation is, we can hopefully shed a little light on ways that you might think about your ... While we cannot tell you what your sexual orientation is, we can hopefully shed a little light on ways that you might think about your sexuality so that you can explore it in ways that feel right to you. Sexual Orientation: Sometimes Quite Nuanced Although sexual orientation is often described in ways that make people think one automatically knows if they are heterosexual (also called "straight"), homosexual (also called "gay" when talking about men or "lesbian" when talking about women) or bisexual (also called "bi"), sexual orientation is sometimes quite nuanced. Early Research In the 1930s, 40s and 50s, Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his research team noticed in their interviews with women and men that significant proportions of women and men showed fluid patterns of sexual behavior, dreams and fantasies in regard to the gender of the partner that they thought about or acted sexual with. People also varied in terms of what they did, sexually, or who they thought about in different periods of their lives. Later researchers in the 60s, 70s and 80s paid particular attention to these issues. They found that while some men, for example, might feel sexually attracted mainly to women, that they also sometimes fantasized about or even had sex with other men. Other times people were sexually attracted to members of both sexes, when they thought about who they wanted to spend their lives with, they could only imagine themselves with someone of the same gender, or maybe someone of the other gender. Not Just About Sexual Behavior These are just a couple of examples, the point being that in order to make sense of one's sexual orientation, some people find that it's helpful to think not only in terms of their sexual behavior, but also in terms of their sexual fantasies, their romantic preferences and who they can see themselves being in a relationship with. Though many people find it useful to give themselves a label such as straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual, not everyone does. Some people find that they don't quite fit into any of the standard categories and may label themselves as "queer", indicating that they embrace a more flexible identity that challenges existing labels. Others don't want any labels at all, and decide that - as life goes on - they want to remain open to falling in love, or falling in lust, with people of the same or other gender. Learn More If you're in a stage of self-exploration, you might find it helpful to connect with the Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays or the American Institute of Bisexuality. To learn more about the emotional side of relationship with men, as well as sexual aspects of male relationships, you might read The Male Couple. You can learn more about this book and others on our web site. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Sexual,Orientation aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/same-sex-fantasies/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/same-sex-fantasies/#comments Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:00:59 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=428 http://kinseyconfidential.org/same-sex-fantasies/feed/ 0 3:29 Sexual fantasies are commonly experienced (and frequently enjoyed) by women and men and they don't always reflect how we feel or the types of sex ... Sexual fantasies are commonly experienced (and frequently enjoyed) by women and men and they don't always reflect how we feel or the types of sex we long for in our waking life. Some people fantasize about being sexual with friends, strangers, neighbors or celebrities - even when they are in monogamous relationships or marriages - but that does not mean that they would actually want to be sexual with these people in reality. Other times, individuals find that they feel aroused by sexual fantasies or images (such as in porn) that relate to domination/submission, group sex, or forced sex. Again, that doesn't mean that a person would actually want to engage in these activities in real life; but people may find them arousing as fantasies. Also, sexual orientation doesn't always match up with one's fantasies. Heterosexual-identified women and men sometimes fantasize about members of their same sex and homosexual-identified women and men may fantasize about individuals of the other sex. Some sex researchers might suggest that sexual fantasies have little to do with sexual orientation, and that - if you have no other reason to believe that you are sexually attracted to women in real life - these fantasies may be arousing for any number of reasons. For one, we often see more images of attractive women looking sexual than we see of men, such as in popular women's magazines, men's magazines, movies and the internet. If fantasizing about women feels taboo to you, that element may add to the psychological excitement of your experience. Other sex researchers might suggest that this nuanced view of your behavior and fantasies is a reflection of the fluidity of sexuality, and the idea that many women and men are probably "bisexual" to some degree, or would be, if society didn't place such strict restrictions on people to behave certain ways. If you are curious about being romantically or sexually involved with women, and that feels appealing or comfortable to you, it may be worth exploring those feelings. That said, there is no one way to be bisexual, heterosexual or homosexual. Just because you enjoy being sexual with men doesn't mean that most of your fantasies have to be about them. Just because you enjoy fantasizing about women, or becoming aroused to such fantasies, doesn't mean that you have to be sexual with women or get into a relationship with them. The way that you live your sexual and romantic life is up to you to decide in a way that feels comfortable and enjoyable to you. To learn more about sexual orientation, including bisexuality, check out the web sites of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays or the American Institute of Bisexuality. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Sexual,Orientation aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/am-i-gay-sexual-orientation-labels-sexual-attraction/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/am-i-gay-sexual-orientation-labels-sexual-attraction/#comments Mon, 14 Jul 2008 16:47:13 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/2008/07/14/qa-im-attracted-to-both-men-and-women-am-i-gay/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/am-i-gay-sexual-orientation-labels-sexual-attraction/feed/ 0 2:59 Generally speaking, we donrsquo;t like to tell people whether it sounds like they are gay or straight or bisexual or any other sexual orientation label. Sexual ... Generally speaking, we donrsquo;t like to tell people whether it sounds like they are gay or straight or bisexual or any other sexual orientation label. Sexual Orientation Is Complex Thatrsquo;s because sexual orientation is complex and the label that someone chooses to give themselves doesnrsquo;t always match their behaviors. Quite often, in our research, we will find men who identify as straight but have sex only with men, or maybe with both women and men. Or else we will have men who identify as gay but have sex only with women, or with both women or men. And the same is true with women. Sexual Orientation Labels To many researchers, sexual orientation labels are about more than a personrsquo;s partnered sexual behavior, masturbation behavior or even their fantasies. Sometimes people choose a label because it most fits with their identity, with the community or group of people that they want to be a part of, or simply with how they feel about themselves. Other times they choose an identity because they feel forced into it, or pressured. There are some women or men who personally feel that they are bisexual, but may feel that they have to identify as either straight or gay so that their friends or partners will accept them. Deciding how to label onersquo;s own sexual interests and orientation is not always an easy task, and we would encourage you to not feel pressured to put a label on yourself unless or until you are feeling ready to do so. Recommended Resources If you are interested in exploring issues around gay identity, consider connecting with the group Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Some men also find the book The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop by Dr. David McWhirter to be a helpful resource for understanding more about menrsquo;s relationships with each other. The Bisexual Resource Guide by Robyn Ochs is another resource that may be helpful to you as well. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Sexual,Orientation aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-fantasies/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-fantasies/#comments Mon, 04 Feb 2008 13:00:34 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2008/02/04/qa-sexual-fantasies/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-fantasies/feed/ 0 3:15 Letrsquo;s make a distinction, right from the outset, about fantasies that rest in the very personal spaces of our minds and memories, and a destructive ... Letrsquo;s make a distinction, right from the outset, about fantasies that rest in the very personal spaces of our minds and memories, and a destructive delusion where the lines are blurred between fantasy and real life.nbsp; When we talk about sexual fantasies here, wersquo;re talking about the type of sexual thoughts and dreams that most of us experience from time to time either because these thoughts just come to us or because we seek them out, as a means of sexual pleasure or arousal. Having Sexual Fantasies Is Common For most women and men, having sexual fantasies is common and does not necessarily mean that anything is wrong or different about you nor does it mean that you are likely to act out your fantasies in a real life situation.nbsp; Even in the 1940rsquo;s and 50rsquo;s, 89% of males and 69% of women interviewed by Alfred Kinsey and his research team reported having erotic sexual fantasies. Contemporary sex researchers continue to find that most women and men have or enjoy sexual fantasies. These fantasies, and the whole experience of getting into a sexual frame of mind, can even help women and men to experience pleasure or achieve orgasm. Where Do Sexual Fantasies Come From? We donrsquo;t fully understand where our sexual fantasies spring from.nbsp; People construct many stories and situations, including having sex in public, watching others have sex, bondage, or kissing a high school sweetheart. Men and women are sometimes particularly worried about fantasies that are against the rules of their relationship (such as sex with a co-worker, friend or stranger) or thoughts about illegal acts, violent acts or acts that go against onersquo;s personal values. Ironically, the more that we try to suppress thoughts or fantasies, the more likely they are to return. If you feel bothered by your thoughts or fantasies, rather than getting anxious about them, consider mentally labeling them for what they are ndash; for example, ldquo;therersquo;s my stranger-on-the-bus fantasy againrdquo;) and then moving on ndash; either to let yourself enjoy the fantasy or to shrug your shoulders and marvel at the mysteries of the mind. Talk To Friends Or Professionals That said, the lines between fantasy and reality do get blurred for some people.nbsp;nbsp; Donrsquo;t hesitate to seek help from a medical professional or counselor if these thoughts become overwhelming or persistent, if they distress you or if you are worried that you will act on them. Or consider talking with someone you trust about them. Chances are, your friends can relate with a few stories of fantasies or thoughts of their own. Content,Type,,Pleasure,,Orgasm,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-women-and-pornography/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-women-and-pornography/#comments Wed, 28 Nov 2007 21:03:31 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2007/11/28/qa-women-and-pornography/ Subscribe to the Podcast ]]> http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-women-and-pornography/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/losing-erection-sexual-orientation/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/losing-erection-sexual-orientation/#comments Wed, 28 Mar 2007 21:47:21 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2007/03/28/qa-does-losing-my-erection-with-girls-mean-im-gay-or-bisexual/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/losing-erection-sexual-orientation/feed/ 1 http://kinseyconfidential.org/horny-vaginal-tenting-lubrication/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/horny-vaginal-tenting-lubrication/#comments Wed, 19 Jan 2005 21:29:36 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/2005/01/19/qa-i-feel-horny-all-the-time/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/horny-vaginal-tenting-lubrication/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-i-had-a-dream-about-a-woman-am-i-a-lesbian/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-i-had-a-dream-about-a-woman-am-i-a-lesbian/#comments Mon, 07 Apr 2003 20:35:34 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2003/04/07/qa-i-had-a-dream-about-a-woman-am-i-a-lesbian/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-i-had-a-dream-about-a-woman-am-i-a-lesbian/feed/ 0