http://kinseyconfidential.org Just another WordPress weblog Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:00:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 en hourly 1 2006-2007 aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) posts 1440 Just another WordPress weblog Kinsey Confidential Kinsey Confidential aschweig@indiana.edu No no http://kinseyconfidential.org/wp-content/themes/kinsey/images/kinsey-podcast-300.jpg http://kinseyconfidential.org 144 144 http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/#comments Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:00:32 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1232 http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/feed/ 0 3:15 It can be challenging enough to find someone to date or marry who has enough of the qualities that a person wants in a partner. ... It can be challenging enough to find someone to date or marry who has enough of the qualities that a person wants in a partner. Even more difficult is to find someone who has these qualities, who you like or love, who likes or loves you back and who just happens to have the same sexual preferences or desires as you do. Different Likes and Dislikes Given the complexities of love and attraction, then, itrsquo;s actually quite common to have different likes or dislikes in regard to sex. It is how couples work out those differences that matters. In your situation, you and your fianceacute; appear to be at a standstill in regard to sexual intimacy. You participate in the sexual activities that appear to bring him enjoyment and/or orgasm ndash; specifically, vaginal intercourse that follows a little bit of foreplay. However, he has made it clear to you that he does not want to participate in any of the sexual activities that you crave. Further, you seem to feel as though he is unfairly comparing you to other women he has had sex with or that he is suggesting something may be wrong with you because your body responds in a different way than other women he has had sex with. Power Dynamics and Frustration This is problematic for several reasons. You seem to feel misunderstood and maybe unheard in your relationship. This is important to pay attention to because if you feel as though you donrsquo;t have power or a voice in your romantic and sexual relationship, then those types of power dynamics can lead to feelings of helplessness or frustration. Because yoursquo;ve expressed significant concern about the future of your sex life together, I would recommend that you consider meeting together with a sex therapist. Find A Sex Therapist Consider approaching him about your need to find some way to have a more mutually pleasurable sex life and your hope that a trained sex therapist might be able to help you two with your concerns and frustrations. You can find a sex therapist in your area through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapistsrsquo; web site or through the web site of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/trouble-maintaining-erection-time/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/trouble-maintaining-erection-time/#comments Mon, 01 Jun 2009 14:00:20 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-trouble-maintaining-erection-time/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/trouble-maintaining-erection-time/feed/ 0 3:13 Nearly all men will experience difficulties getting or keeping an erection at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, not everyone knows this and so when ... Nearly all men will experience difficulties getting or keeping an erection at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, not everyone knows this and so when erection problems happen to them or their partner, they may worry that they have done something wrong. Performance Anxiety When erectile problems occur among young, healthy men, the cause is typically psychological. Many men experience what we sometimes call ldquo;performance anxietyrdquo; ndash; the stress or worry that they should be a good lover, give their partner an orgasm, have sex that lasts a certain length of time, or otherwise ldquo;performrdquo; sexually in a certain way. This type of stress ndash; like any other type of stress ndash; can make it difficult to experience pleasurable sex and to fully allow the process of sexual arousal to enhance onersquo;s erections. Concerns about pregnancy or infection can also make it difficult for a man to get or keep an erection. Communicating And Learning What Feels Right Other times, menrsquo;s erectile problems may be influenced by their inexperience at sex. When men are just beginning to have sex, they may not yet know how to move their bodies with their partnerrsquo;s bodies in ways that enhance their erection. Over time, men and their partners tend to learn more about their own and their partnerrsquo;s bodies such as what feels good, what doesnrsquo;t and what is more or less likely to lead to enhanced arousal and excitement for both people. That doesnrsquo;t mean that either person is doing anything ldquo;wrongrdquo; at the beginning of their relationship; it just means that it takes time for two people to learn what feels enjoyable and to practice communicating to each other about sex. If you and your boyfriend expect to have sex again, you might consider talking to each other about any concerns that you have about sex, including preventing pregnancy or infection. You might also find that talking about the pleasurable aspects of sex is helpful including what types of touch feel good, how you like to kiss or be kissed, and any sexual behaviors that you very much want to try versus those that you are not comfortable with or donrsquo;t want to try. Ongoing Erectile Problems Ongoing erectile problems may be a sign of diabetes, heart conditions or other medical conditions, which is why it is always important for men to discuss these issues with their healthcare provider if they continue or if they cause stress or worry. Often, however, erectile problems among younger men come and go, and tend to improve as men and their partners become more comfortable with each other and with sex. Recommended Reading You can learn more about these issues and others in The New Male Sexuality by Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld. Common,Problems,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/orgasm-desire-vasectomy/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/orgasm-desire-vasectomy/#comments Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:00:18 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-orgasm-desire-vasectomy/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/orgasm-desire-vasectomy/feed/ 0 3:22 Vasectomy is generally regarded as a highly safe and effective means of permanent birth control. There are various methods of vasectomy that are available to ... Vasectomy is generally regarded as a highly safe and effective means of permanent birth control. There are various methods of vasectomy that are available to doctors, with the end result being that the vas deferens ndash; which are the tubes that carry sperm from the testicles ndash; are clamped, cut or sealed so that sperm are no longer able to leave the body through ejaculation. Affect On Sexual Desire And Orgasm Because only the sperm are blocked, and sperm make up a very tiny proportion of the volume of a manrsquo;s semen, the amount of ejaculation released during orgasm is pretty much the same before vasectomy as it is after vasectomy. And when it comes to sex, research generally suggests that menrsquo;s sexual desire, satisfaction and erectile function are just as strong after vasectomy as compared to before vasectomy. In fact, without the anxiety about accidentally getting their partner pregnant during intercourse, quite a few men even indicate that they have stronger erections or are more sexually satisfied after their vasectomy. Less Pleasurable Sex Very Rare It is very rare for men who have had vasectomies to report having less pleasurable sex or no experience of release at the time of orgasm. Because this is so rare, many doctors ndash; even those who have performed hundreds of vasectomies ndash; may have never encountered a patient who told them that their experience of sex became worse after the vasectomy, and that may explain why the doctors yoursquo;ve met with have had little to say in response to your question. That doesnrsquo;t mean that your experience isnrsquo;t valid or doesnrsquo;t warrant attention. Having a vasectomy can affect menrsquo;s feelings about themselves, their bodies, and their sexuality in important ways, and it may be worth meeting with a trained sex therapist to further explore how having a vasectomy has impacted your sex life. You can find a sex therapist on the web site of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. You might also want to meet with a urologist or a neurologist who has experience in sexual issues as it is certainly possible that there may be physical causes related to your lack of pleasure in relation to orgasm. Recommended Reading Finally, you might find it helpful to read a book such as For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Lonnie Barbach that focuses on ways that couples can use sexual exploration to foster closeness, intimacy and pleasure. Bodies,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/communicating-sex-matters/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/communicating-sex-matters/#comments Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:02:26 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=938 http://kinseyconfidential.org/communicating-sex-matters/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/having-trouble-ejaculating-during-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/having-trouble-ejaculating-during-sex/#comments Mon, 15 Dec 2008 14:00:34 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=473 http://kinseyconfidential.org/having-trouble-ejaculating-during-sex/feed/ 0 3:34 You've hit on an issue that many young men experience when they are new to sex - the issue of not ejaculating during vaginal intercourse. We ... You've hit on an issue that many young men experience when they are new to sex - the issue of not ejaculating during vaginal intercourse. We don't know how common it is for men who are new to sex to find it difficult to ejaculate, however this does often improve over time and with experience, so it is likely that your body will soon respond in this way to sex. Vaginal Intercourse Feels Different Than Masturbation A common reason this may happen is that vaginal intercourse feels significantly different for a man compared to masturbation. Sometimes men find that it takes their bodies some time to get used to responding to vaginal stimulation. Some men find that it helps them to begin varying their masturbation routine as a way of teaching their bodies to respond to different types of stimulation. For example, you might try using a good deal of lubricant during masturbation and then another time not using much lubricant at all. Experimenting with different hand positions, or different intensities of touch, or rhythms, may be helpful too. Consider Masturbating With A Condom If you are using a condom with your girlfriend, then you might even try masturbating with a condom on your penis. Condoms add a whole new element to how sex feels and you might find it helpful to get used to the feel of a condom on your penis in this way. If the condom is too loose or too tight on your penis, consider looking for a snugger sized condom or a larger sized condom so that it feels comfortable and secure on your penis. Try Using A Lubricant You might also try using a lubricant during sex, which can contribute to more comfortable, pleasure sex for women and men. This is particularly true if you two are using condoms. To use a lubricant, add a small dab - about the size of a dime - to the outside of the condom, after it is already on your penis. Using a lubricant with a condom can help to reduce friction, which not only makes for more pleasurable sex but can also reduce the risk of condom breakage. Anxieties Getting In The Way? Aside from the physical aspects of sex, psychological aspects are important too. You might consider whether any anxieties might be getting in the way of your ejaculation. To what extent are you concerned about pregnancy or infection risk? If you're concerned about either, what steps have you two taken to reduce your risk? Also, how are you feeling in terms of your readiness to have sex, and your comfort and ability to relax with each other? These feelings important to many men's and women's ability to enjoy sex in a pleasurable way, and to experience orgasm. Consider, too, whether you are putting pressure on yourself or feeling stressed about needing to perform a certain way in order to please your girlfriend or be a good lover. These stressors get in the way of pleasure and orgasm for men, at times. Further Reading To learn more about ways to improve your sexual experiences and relationship issues, consider reading The New Male Sexuality by Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld. Common,Problems,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/dry-vagina-during-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/dry-vagina-during-sex/#comments Thu, 19 Jun 2008 21:06:47 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/2008/06/19/qa-vagina-gets-dry-during-intercourse/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/dry-vagina-during-sex/feed/ 0 3:18 Womenrsquo;s bodies vary in their degrees of wetness and dryness during sexual activity. Vaginal Lubrication Generally speaking, womenrsquo;s vaginas tend to become more wet thanks to natural ... Womenrsquo;s bodies vary in their degrees of wetness and dryness during sexual activity. Vaginal Lubrication Generally speaking, womenrsquo;s vaginas tend to become more wet thanks to natural vaginal lubrication when they are feeling relaxed, comfortable and sexually aroused. As a result, a woman may find that she becomes more wet during foreplay and engaging in sex play that feels good, pleasurable and arousing to her. Talking About Sex I wonder if the two of you are able to talk about sex and share what feels good to each of you. If not, you both may find it helpful, and find that it enhances your sexual intimacy to talk to each other about your likes and dislikes. It is also important to talk about sex in ways that make sure you both want to be sexual with each other in this way, and that you both are feeling emotionally and physically comfortable with your choice to have sex with each other. Sometimes women and men are worried that if they donrsquo;t have sex with their partner, that their partner will become mad or want to break up with them. Are you sure that your girlfriend feels comfortable about her decision to have sex with you in this way? Birth Control, Lubricant and Condoms What about birth control? You mentioned that you are using condoms, so I am guessing that you two do not want to become pregnant right now. However, you also mentioned that sometimes the condom is damaged because the friction is high with sex. You feel like this is because her vagina is dry ndash; and that may be true. But it is also true that condoms themselves can make sex feel more dry ndash; even when a womanrsquo;s vagina is fairly wet. Although you add water-based lubricant, many people find that because water-based lubricant absorbs quickly into the body that they need to reapply if often, especially if sex goes on for a long time. Perhaps using a silicone-based lubricant, which tends to last longer, would be helpful for making sex more comfortable and pleasurable, and reducing the risk of condom damage. I mention this too because if your girlfriend is worried about becoming pregnant, she may not feel very relaxed or comfortable and this can impair her ability to lubricate. In short, please consider talking more with each other about your feelings about being sexual with each other, about what feels good and what doesnrsquo;t, as well as consider talking about birth control and perhaps using a lubricant that lasts longer during sex. Comfortable, pleasurable sex is usually possible, but it takes communication between two partners. Bodies,,Content,Type,,Newspaper,Column aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/new-sex-position-painful/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/new-sex-position-painful/#comments Wed, 07 Nov 2007 17:38:20 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2007/11/07/qa-new-sex-position-is-painful/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/new-sex-position-painful/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/anal-sex-analingus-oral-safety/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/anal-sex-analingus-oral-safety/#comments Wed, 04 Apr 2007 22:42:23 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2008/12/18/qa-how-safe-is-analingus-oral-anal-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/anal-sex-analingus-oral-safety/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-female-orgasm-and-sensation/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-female-orgasm-and-sensation/#comments Mon, 01 Jan 2001 17:00:12 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2007/11/11/qa-female-orgasm-and-sensation/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-female-orgasm-and-sensation/feed/ 0