http://kinseyconfidential.org Just another WordPress weblog Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:00:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 en hourly 1 2006-2007 aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) posts 1440 Just another WordPress weblog Kinsey Confidential Kinsey Confidential aschweig@indiana.edu No no http://kinseyconfidential.org/wp-content/themes/kinsey/images/kinsey-podcast-300.jpg http://kinseyconfidential.org 144 144 http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/#comments Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:00:42 +0000 Eric Anthony Grollman (M.A.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/vaginal-tearing-intercourse-fingering/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/vaginal-tearing-intercourse-fingering/#comments Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:00:18 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=1191 http://kinseyconfidential.org/vaginal-tearing-intercourse-fingering/feed/ 0 3:13 Many young women and men have questions about having sex for the first time and losing onersquo;s virginity. In regard to your question, it is ... Many young women and men have questions about having sex for the first time and losing onersquo;s virginity. In regard to your question, it is indeed possible to experience vaginal bleeding from either fingering or penile penetration. Vaginal Tearing The vagina is made up of sensitive tissue. It can be easily torn from fingering as may occur during sex play. It can also be torn by little snags of a personrsquo;s fingernails. Penetration ndash; whether from a finger or a manrsquo;s penis ndash; can also cause the hymen to tear, either just a little or a lot. The hymen is a thin layer of tissue that partially covers a womanrsquo;s vaginal entrance. Although the size of the tissue is small, it is filled with blood vessels. As such, even if just a little bit of the hymen tears, a woman or her partner may notice blood on onersquo;s fingers, penis or on the sheets. Unfortunately, it is impossible to know whether the bleeding occurred from fingering or penetration. Slow Down However, the fact that you feel as though he may be taking advantage of your lack of experience is something to pay attention to. If you feel as though you donrsquo;t have as much power or control over the sexual aspects of your relationship, you may find that it is important to talk to your boyfriend about what you do or do not want to happen sexually and what you are or are not feeling ready for. It may be that you are more comfortable exploring at a slower pace or that you would like to learn more about sex before you continue to engage in such intimate sex play together. Also, keep in mind that vaginal penetration with a manrsquo;s penis ndash; even if itrsquo;s just a little bit ndash; can put a woman at risk for pregnancy or sexually transmissible infections, also called STIs. If you do not wish to become pregnant at this time, you may want to not engage in vaginal penetration or you may want to learn more about birth control options. Learning More You can learn more about sex by reading S.E.X.: The All You Need to Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College or The Guide to Getting It On. Bodies,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-sexual-arousal-strangers/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-sexual-arousal-strangers/#comments Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:00:26 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=1189 http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-sexual-arousal-strangers/feed/ 0 2:43 In many cultures, there is a stereotype that men are always ready and eager to have sex with just about anyone. However, as strong as ... In many cultures, there is a stereotype that men are always ready and eager to have sex with just about anyone. However, as strong as a manrsquo;s interest or desire may be, his body may not always be ready to have sex. Some men find it very difficult to get or maintain an erection with partners who they do not know very well. Often they find that they cannot ldquo;makerdquo; themselves have an erection just because they want one. Mental and Physical Sexual arousal is often strongest when a person feels both mentally and physically aroused. If you donrsquo;t know these women very well, you may find it difficult to feel mentally aroused or excited by them. Perhaps it is easier for you to feel sexually aroused, and to become erect, with your ex because you feel more connected to her or mentally turned on by her. After all, you have an entire history with her ndash; you may feel attracted to her because of the way that she makes you feel, or because of her humor or personality in addition to her physical attractiveness. A Physical Problem? Since you are able to still get erections with your ex, it is unlikely that you have a physical problem with your erections. However, if you are concerned about your erectile function or have questions about it, please check in with your healthcare provider. If you are open to getting to know other women well, you might spend more time getting to know them over dinner, drinks or other activities before having sex with them. As you get to know women more, you may find it easier to feel relaxed, comfortable and both mentally and physically turned on. It is also possible that other issues are keeping you from having full and reliable erections with other women. For example, if you are still in love with your ex, you may find it difficult to move on and be with other women until you have resolved those feelings. Recommended Reading To learn more about erectile function, you may find it helpful to read The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions by Richard Milsten and Julian Slowinski. Common,Problems,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/#comments Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:00:47 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/feed/ 1 3:38 Many couples have different levels of sexual desire as well as different types of things that they enjoy doing sexually. Sometimes these preferences cannot be ... Many couples have different levels of sexual desire as well as different types of things that they enjoy doing sexually. Sometimes these preferences cannot be changed. Other times, there is room for movement. Talk To Her My first suggestion would be to try to talk with your wife and let her know that you understand that she is not interested in, or does not enjoy, performing oral sex on you or having sex from behind, and that as much as you believe you would enjoy these sexual activities, you accept her choice. Of course, you have to be sincere about your acceptance if you say this! You might say, however, in your own words, that given that she is your wife and your lover, that you would like to understand more about what she does and doesnrsquo;t like sexually, and perhaps a bit about ldquo;whyrdquo; or ldquo;why notrdquo;. You might also suggest that you would like to share your desires and interests as well. Possibly The Result of Mis-Information Sometimes couples donrsquo;t enjoy certain activities for reasons they have never considered or because of mis-information that they have about a sexual behavior. For example, some women have heard from friends or family members that men want women to perform oral sex on them because they want to have power over them, or to control or degrade them. If your wife has heard this idea at different points in her life, she may have come to believe that. You can understand how, if this is her background, that she might not want to perform oral sex on you. Start Slowly Then again, she may not believe those types of things about fellatio, but she may simply not enjoy it. Performing oral sex on a man can be uncomfortable, especially if a manrsquo;s penis is particularly long or thick. If she indicates that she is open to trying oral sex, you might start slowly ndash; for example, you might negotiate a type of oral sex that she would feel physically or emotionally comfortable with. She may be more comfortable trying this on the bed rather than on her knees, or she may be more comfortable licking the shaft of your penis rather than taking your penis into her mouth. These are the types of details that you will want to discuss with your wife, no matter what type of sex acts you are thinking about approaching her about. Recommended Reading If you have a monogamous relationship, the challenge is to create a sexual relationship together that you can both feel good about. You may find that a book such as Because It Feels Good: A Womanrsquo;s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction or For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy is helpful in exploring new ways of being sexual together. If you find it difficult to explore sex in mutually pleasurable ways, you may find it useful to meet together with a sex therapist ndash; you can find one near you at www.aasect.org. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/communicating-sex-matters/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/communicating-sex-matters/#comments Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:02:26 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=938 http://kinseyconfidential.org/communicating-sex-matters/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-feel-like/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-feel-like/#comments Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:00:12 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=873 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-feel-like/feed/ 0 3:41 Given the lack of information about sex that is available to many young women and men, many people arenrsquo;t sure what to expect when it ... Given the lack of information about sex that is available to many young women and men, many people arenrsquo;t sure what to expect when it comes to sex ndash; what to do during sex as well as what sex feels like. Yoursquo;re wise to begin seeking out information about sex well before you even have sex so that, by the time you do have sex, your expectations will be fair and reasonable. High Expectations Unfortunately, due to romanticized depictions of sex in porn, Hollywood movies, on television shows, and in books, some people have unrealistically high expectations of sex. These expectations can set the bar so high that no one can live up to them. Men may expect that erections will be easy to get or maintain, or that they will be able to last a long time before they ejaculate. Women may expect that sex will feel comfortable or that they will be able to orgasm easily, or from a certain position. Both women and men may have the expectation that sex will feel fantastic or, as is often said in magazines, ldquo;mind-blowingrdquo;. Different For Different People Any of these expectations can set the bar too high for sex. The reality is that sex feels different for people at different times. The first time that a couple has sex, it may feel a little bit awkward unless the two people have talked about sex, their feelings about having sex together, their concerns about pregnancy or infection, and what it means for their friendship or relationship. Even after communicating about sex, going forward with it can still feel awkward. When sex is something that both people want, and they take their time going into it and check in with each other to make sure they both still want to do everything they are doing, then they have a better chance at having sex that feels pleasurable. Itrsquo;s when two people donrsquo;t talk to each other about their sexual choices, and go into sex without having thoughts about how it might affect them personally or as a couple, that therersquo;s a higher likelihood of either having sex that feels unpleasurable, uncomfortable or even regrettable. How sex feels can also be influenced by a personrsquo;s mood, their partnerrsquo;s mood, how the relationship is going and whether one feels distracted by thinking about other things. The Physical Feeling Of Sex The way that sex feels, physically, depends on what type of sex it is. Since most people mean vaginal sex when they ask about ldquo;sexrdquo;, wersquo;ll focus on that. Vaginal sex can feel uncomfortable or painful for women the first few times that they have sex. Though part of this discomfort may be due to the tearing of a womanrsquo;s hymen, discomfort can also be caused when a woman feels nervous about sex or hasnrsquo;t spent much time in foreplay that would otherwise enhance her arousal. Spending time doing things that feel sexually exciting to her, or using a lubricant, can make sex feel more comfortable and pleasurable for a woman and her partner. Men, on the other hand, often describe vaginal sex as feeling warm and wet, and often a bit tight. If the fit of both bodies is uncomfortably tight, then, again, using a personal lubricant can help. Bodies,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/robotic-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/robotic-sex/#comments Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:00:30 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=868 http://kinseyconfidential.org/robotic-sex/feed/ 0 2:58 Often when women and men describe sex as "robotic", what they are really noticing is a lack of connection with their partner. When two people ... Often when women and men describe sex as "robotic", what they are really noticing is a lack of connection with their partner. When two people aren't connecting emotionally during sex, then all that's left are the physical aspects to sex, which can feel like they're "going through the motions". This can happen for a variety of reasons and, since it is important to you to improve the sexual aspects of your relationship with your girlfriend, it may be worth talking to her about in a way that doesn't come across as judgmental or critical. Not "Robotic" Try not to describe the sex as "robotic" when you talk to her, as she may be trying very hard to please you and may feel sensitive to criticism. Instead, try sharing your hopes for your sex life together and what you'd like to see more of, such as more connection, relaxation, and time spent giving each other pleasure - whether or not you live up to any standard of what sex should be like. Some people find it difficult to relax, let go and get into sex, and this can lead to sex that feels less connecting. Perhaps your girlfriend has had second thoughts about her decision to have sex with you, or wonders in some ways if she is ready to have sex, or if she wants to have the types of sex that you two are having. Other Worries And Anxiety Other concerns can get in the way, too. For example, is it possible that she is worried or anxious about pregnancy or infection? What types of conversations have you two had around these issues? Other times people find it difficult to let go and connect with their partner, sexually, because they aren't quite sure what to do. They may have read books or magazine articles about sex, and may be thinking in their heads about the things they are "supposed" to do rather than touching their partner in ways that feel pleasurable and sensuous to them. To make sex feel more pleasurable and connecting, it can help to talk to each other about sex, and it can also be helpful to learn to touch each other in enjoyable ways - even when you're not actually having sex. Recommended Reading The book For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy provides detailed exercises that couples can use to learn to touch each other in pleasurable ways, in and out of the bedroom. Spending time cuddling, massaging each other and really listening to each other can help move your sex from feeling robotic to feeling just the right mix of comforting and exciting. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/#comments Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:00:55 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=758 http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/feed/ 1 3:23 More often these days, people are talking more openly about desire - both in terms of how couples may have different levels of desire as ... More often these days, people are talking more openly about desire - both in terms of how couples may have different levels of desire as well as in terms of how desire often changes throughout one's lifetime. Desire Discrepancy Having different levels of desire - what we often call desire discrepancy - can be difficult for couples, as the person who wants more sex often feels as though they are pestering their partner, or they may feel as though they are not attracted or loved anymore when they ask for sex and their partner declines. The person who wants less sex, or none at all, may feel guilty or as if they are depriving their partner, and yet they may also feel bothered or annoyed at being asked so often for something that they have clearly said they do not want. Often when a couple notices these differences in desire, the changes have been building over time - even if they seem to have happened overnight. It may be that your wife hasn't enjoyed sex for some time and that she has only recently felt comfortable saying this to you. Or else perhaps she has long enjoyed having sex, but recent changes related to menopause, aging or medical conditions have made sex feel less pleasurable or enjoyable for her, or even painful. Significant Changes Around Menopause Sex changes significantly for many women around the time of menopause and she may find it helpful to speak with her healthcare provider about any changes she has noticed not only in relation to desire but also in regard to vaginal dryness, genital sensation, temperature changes or general bodily comfort. You two might also find it helpful to meet with a sex therapist to help you find ways to express and receive affection with each other, even if you don't actually have sex together for some time - if at all. Sometimes a person will stop wanting to be kissed or hugged, mainly because they worry that it will lead to sex. Perhaps your wife will be more open to meeting with a therapist, and working on your shared affection, if you assure her that you will not pressure her do anything she is not interested in (such as have sex). You might say, though, that because you value your relationship so much - including your ability to be affectionate and express love in ways such as kissing, hugging and cuddling - that you would like to see if there are ways that you can find pleasure and joy with each other. Recommended Reading The book For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy may be a helpful resource and you can find a sex therapist through the web site of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Content,Type,,Pleasure,,Orgasm,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/how-to-last-longer-in-bed-stop-premature-ejaculation/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/how-to-last-longer-in-bed-stop-premature-ejaculation/#comments Mon, 08 Sep 2008 23:40:56 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/2008/09/08/qa-techniques-to-last-longer-in-bed/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/how-to-last-longer-in-bed-stop-premature-ejaculation/feed/ 0 3:07 Many men and women have an unrealistic view of how long intercourse typically lasts and no wonder ndash; itrsquo;s actually very difficult to know how ... Many men and women have an unrealistic view of how long intercourse typically lasts and no wonder ndash; itrsquo;s actually very difficult to know how long people spend having sex. Researchers have found that if you ask women and men how long they spend having sex, most cannot give a reliable estimate. They may take a good guess, but they rarely know the exact time. In other studies, researchers have given women and men stop watches to use so that they can more accurately track how long sex lasts. Of course, you can imagine that using a stopwatch during sex might change sex, and may make people anxious about how long or how short sex lasts, and thus may end up influencing how long or short sex lasts. So those estimates are not necessarily a good indication either. Focus On Quality Rather than focusing on spending a specific number of minutes during intercourse, consider focusing on the quality of your sexual experience with your partner. Ask your partner what they enjoy about being sexual with you, or what turns your partner on. You can also share what feels good to you or turns you on, too. Consider ways of exploring each otherrsquo;s bodies that involve a lot of touching and kissing, and treating intercourse as just one of many pleasurable things that you could do together, but not necessarily the only thing or the main event. That can help to take the pressure off of how long you spend in intercourse and can help to broaden and enrich your experience of sexual sharing. Masturbation Techniques The two techniques that are most commonly recommended to help men learn to last longer before ejaculating are called the stop-start technique and the squeeze technique. Men who practice them may, over time, find that they can last longer during masturbation or partner sex, but they may not necessarily take you past the 15 minute mark. Recommended Reading You can learn detailed information about these techniques by reading the book Coping with Premature Ejaculation by Dr. Michael Metz and Dr. Barry McArthy. Another book that includes information about multiple techniques to last longer is a book called The New Male Sexuality by Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld. One technique that he recommends, for example, has to do with learning to pay attention to the sensations in your own body so that you eventually become more attuned to when you might be close to ejaculating, and can learn to hold off. He also suggests that visualizing lasting longer, and what that might feel like, might be a useful strategy for some men. Common,Problems,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No