http://kinseyconfidential.org Just another WordPress weblog Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:00:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 en hourly 1 2006-2007 aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) posts 1440 Just another WordPress weblog Kinsey Confidential Kinsey Confidential aschweig@indiana.edu No no http://kinseyconfidential.org/wp-content/themes/kinsey/images/kinsey-podcast-300.jpg http://kinseyconfidential.org 144 144 http://kinseyconfidential.org/underwear-pregnant-dry-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/underwear-pregnant-dry-sex/#comments Thu, 25 Feb 2010 14:00:26 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1491 http://kinseyconfidential.org/underwear-pregnant-dry-sex/feed/ 1 3:04 If you were wearing underwear, then your chances of becoming pregnant from dry sex ndash; also called dry humping ndash; border on ldquo;low to no ... If you were wearing underwear, then your chances of becoming pregnant from dry sex ndash; also called dry humping ndash; border on ldquo;low to no chance.rdquo; However, itrsquo;s often not as simple as that so, if you do not want to become pregnant, I would highly recommend that either you both keep your clothes on during dry sex or that you avoid dry sex altogether. Birth Control Options If you think therersquo;s a chance you will continue being sexual in ways that may put the two of you at risk for pregnancy, then consider using a highly effective method of birth control such as the birth control pill, patch, shot or ring. Condoms are another highly method of birth control plus condoms can greatly reduce the risk of some but not all common sexually transmissible infections, or STIs. Risky Business Herersquo;s why dry sex can be risky in terms of pregnancy. First, there is not always a clear line between ldquo;dry sexrdquo; and intercourse. Sometimes couples get very excited during their sex play and they may experiment with getting closer to each otherrsquo;s genitals.nbsp;If your underwear are small or are thong or g string style, there may be very little fabric, if any, around your vaginal entrance. If therersquo;s not much fabric to cover your vaginal entrance, or if your underwear become accidentally pushed to the side during sex play, then your partnerrsquo;s penis may touch your vaginal entrance. If he ejaculates inside your vaginal entrance or close it, then his sperm could get inside your vagina and you could become pregnant. Communicating About Sex Thatrsquo;s why I would encourage you to consider ways that you and your boyfriend can continue to enjoy each otherrsquo;s company in ways that do not put you at risk for pregnancy if you are not ready to become parents. Part of being sexual is learning how to talk about being sexual. Try talking to your boyfriend about your concerns about becoming pregnant. Let him know what you enjoy about the ways that you pleasure each other but also make sure to let him know what stresses you out or makes you feel worried, such as getting pregnant if yoursquo;re not yet ready to be parents. Together you can learn more about safer sex, birth control and how to take steps to have a more satisfying but low risk sex life. More Information To learn more about safer sex, check out the book S.E.X.: The All You Need To Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Pregnancy aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/common-swing-lifestyle/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/common-swing-lifestyle/#comments Mon, 04 Jan 2010 14:00:26 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1317 http://kinseyconfidential.org/common-swing-lifestyle/feed/ 0 3:16 How Common is Swinging There are very few good studies on the swinging lifestyle in the United States let alone population based studies that would allow ... How Common is Swinging There are very few good studies on the swinging lifestyle in the United States let alone population based studies that would allow us to guess at just how common or rare swinging is. The data that we do have suggest that swinging is relatively uncommon in the United States. However, uncommon doesnrsquo;t mean that itrsquo;s right or wrong ndash; it just means that a minority of men and women engage in it. From Clubs to Living Rooms Swinging is also practiced in different ways. Some swinging, as you may know, takes place in club settings in which people may private membership dues to belong to the club. Other times, swinging takes place in the context of private parties that may occur in peoplersquo;s homes or in privately rented space at a club, bar or hotel. There are also swingers conventions that take place in cities around the world and that may draw as many as a few hundred or a few thousand adult women and men to come to a resort or hotel, to learn about whatrsquo;s new in the swing lifestyle, and to possibly meet new friends and partners. Rules and Regulations There are also different ways that swinging takes place. Some clubs or parties do not allow single men into the scene whereas others do. On the contrary, single women are more often allowed into swing events as they are, quite frankly, more often in demand for sex play. Couples themselves have their own rules on what will or wonrsquo;t work for them. Some couples decide that they will only engage in sex that occurs together whereas others enjoy splitting up and having sex with other people in private settings at the club or party or in their own home. Joining a Group There are also swing organizations that work in different ways. Some groups are open to anyone who is willing to sign up, join in and/or pay for an entry fee or a membership. Others are highly restrictive and may require that you be invited by an existing member or that you submit photographs or write essays before you are allowed to join. Risks and Rewards So while swinging is not entirely common, it is not terribly rare either. It is practiced by enough people that there are events that consist of hundreds or thousands of attendees. And while some people find that swinging is not for them, that they are too worried about sexual infection risk or unable to comfortable handle issues related to jealousy or communication, others very much enjoy the novelty and pleasure found in a swinging lifestyle. And aside from the sex, some women and men appreciate the new friendships that come from being sexual with others. More Information To learn more about swinging and having more than one lover, check out the book Opening Up. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/boyfriend-masturbate-porn/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/boyfriend-masturbate-porn/#comments Thu, 24 Dec 2009 14:00:57 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1310 http://kinseyconfidential.org/boyfriend-masturbate-porn/feed/ 1 2:53 Men and Women... and Porn Many women and men are raised in what may as well be two totally different worlds. Very often, girls are raised with ... Men and Women... and Porn Many women and men are raised in what may as well be two totally different worlds. Very often, girls are raised with the belief that porn ndash; which can be difficult to define in the first place ndash; is either wrong or a sign that a man is not as interested in or committed to his partner as he should be. On the other hand, many boys are raised to believe that it is common or normal to watch porn and that it can make masturbation or sex more exciting. Thatrsquo;s not to say that all men watch porn or like porn; they donrsquo;t. Itrsquo;s also not to say that some women donrsquo;t enjoy porn ndash; in fact, a growing number of women seem to be accessing porn, particularly as more women-centered porn images and videos are created. Porn's Affect on Relationships But in the United States, most men have watched porn, particularly as part of their masturbation, and it doesnrsquo;t necessarily mean that they are not satisfied with their relationship or their sex life. It may just be that your boyfriend has watched porn on and off throughout his life, perhaps starting as an older child or a teenager or young adult, and that he still enjoys doing so even now. Talking it Through You might try talking with your boyfriend about his masturbation and the fact that he watches porn. If you two talk about this, try to approach the issue with an open mind and a genuine interest in learning more about his experiences and where hersquo;s coming from. He may have a very different perspective on porn than you do. If he says that he is indeed attracted to you and satisfied with your sex life together, try talking about how you can approach the porn issue. Is there a way that you can learn to live with the fact that he watches porn? Is he willing to watch it less often or to not watch it in front of you? Or even to give up watching porn? Are you interested in finding some type of porn, or even educational videos about sex, that you two could watch together? There are a many different ways that couples negotiate their private and shared sexual lives and no ldquo;rightrdquo; or ldquo;wrongrdquo; way to figure this out. Find Out More Check out The Guide to Getting It On for more information about the many different ways that women and men experience their sexuality. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/masturbate-sleep-normal/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/masturbate-sleep-normal/#comments Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:00:11 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1279 http://kinseyconfidential.org/masturbate-sleep-normal/feed/ 1 3:20 Although uncommon, I have heard from quite a few men ndash; and a few women, too ndash; who have had experiences similar to yours. Itrsquo;s ... Although uncommon, I have heard from quite a few men ndash; and a few women, too ndash; who have had experiences similar to yours. Itrsquo;s unclear how many people act sexually during their sleep but when it does happen, people often donrsquo;t even know that they masturbate or attempt to be sexual with other people until they either approach someone for sex while sleeping or until they begin sharing a bed with a partner, at which point onersquo;s partner notices the behavior. In your case, your partner has noticed that yoursquo;ve been masturbating during your sleep. It seems fairly common for women and men to recall experiences of orgasm during sleep or even to wake up in the middle of the night and find that they are rubbing their genitals against the bed, possibly in the middle of a sexual dream. What Happens When You Sleep What is less common is active masturbation or sexual behavior while sleeping. As you are sleeping when this happens, you cannot know what you are doing. As such, you might ask your partner how it is that you are masturbating while sleeping. Are you using your hands? Rubbing against the bed? Do you tend to speak while masturbating? And are your eyes open or closed? Talking to a Healthcare Provider This type of information may help your healthcare provider to better figure out what may be happening during your sleep. You may even ask your healthcare provider about the possibility of being referred to a sleep clinic as sexual behavior during sleep ndash; what has been called sexsomnia or sleepsex - is often associated with sleep disorders. You may be able to undergo testing to determine how it is that your sleep cycles may be functioning. In some cases, medication can help to improve your sleep. Communicate With Your Partner In the mean time, you may find it helpful to talk with your partner about this behavior. It is unlikely a sign of a psychological condition. Rather, your sleep masturbation is more likely to be a symptom of a sleep disorder or to be a normal variation of sleep behavior. You and your partner might want to brainstorm about how to handle this while you decide whether you want to meet with a healthcare provider about it, which I would recommend doing. Some couples enjoy sleepsex or these types of sexual behaviors that occur while one person is asleep and the other is awake. Others feel uncomfortable in response to them. Problems With Sleepsex It can be important to seek attention from a healthcare provider as, in some cases, people have attempted to have non-consensual sex with others while asleep. In some instances, sleeping adults have even tried to have sex with children, and not recalled any of it after the fact. You can imagine how traumatic such an experience would be for everyone involved. To learn more about sexsomnia or sleepsex, please check in with your healthcare provider or a sleep clinic. Thank you for coming to us with your question. Common,Problems,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/#comments Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:00:47 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/feed/ 1 3:38 Many couples have different levels of sexual desire as well as different types of things that they enjoy doing sexually. Sometimes these preferences cannot be ... Many couples have different levels of sexual desire as well as different types of things that they enjoy doing sexually. Sometimes these preferences cannot be changed. Other times, there is room for movement. Talk To Her My first suggestion would be to try to talk with your wife and let her know that you understand that she is not interested in, or does not enjoy, performing oral sex on you or having sex from behind, and that as much as you believe you would enjoy these sexual activities, you accept her choice. Of course, you have to be sincere about your acceptance if you say this! You might say, however, in your own words, that given that she is your wife and your lover, that you would like to understand more about what she does and doesnrsquo;t like sexually, and perhaps a bit about ldquo;whyrdquo; or ldquo;why notrdquo;. You might also suggest that you would like to share your desires and interests as well. Possibly The Result of Mis-Information Sometimes couples donrsquo;t enjoy certain activities for reasons they have never considered or because of mis-information that they have about a sexual behavior. For example, some women have heard from friends or family members that men want women to perform oral sex on them because they want to have power over them, or to control or degrade them. If your wife has heard this idea at different points in her life, she may have come to believe that. You can understand how, if this is her background, that she might not want to perform oral sex on you. Start Slowly Then again, she may not believe those types of things about fellatio, but she may simply not enjoy it. Performing oral sex on a man can be uncomfortable, especially if a manrsquo;s penis is particularly long or thick. If she indicates that she is open to trying oral sex, you might start slowly ndash; for example, you might negotiate a type of oral sex that she would feel physically or emotionally comfortable with. She may be more comfortable trying this on the bed rather than on her knees, or she may be more comfortable licking the shaft of your penis rather than taking your penis into her mouth. These are the types of details that you will want to discuss with your wife, no matter what type of sex acts you are thinking about approaching her about. Recommended Reading If you have a monogamous relationship, the challenge is to create a sexual relationship together that you can both feel good about. You may find that a book such as Because It Feels Good: A Womanrsquo;s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction or For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy is helpful in exploring new ways of being sexual together. If you find it difficult to explore sex in mutually pleasurable ways, you may find it useful to meet together with a sex therapist ndash; you can find one near you at www.aasect.org. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/open-relationships-dysfunctional/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/open-relationships-dysfunctional/#comments Mon, 13 Jul 2009 14:00:58 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-open-relationships-dysfunctional/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/open-relationships-dysfunctional/feed/ 1 3:27 People work out their relationships in numerous ways. In American culture, serial monogamy is one of the more commonly practiced relationship structure among couples ndash; ... People work out their relationships in numerous ways. In American culture, serial monogamy is one of the more commonly practiced relationship structure among couples ndash; especially those that identify as heterosexual. Serial Monogamy The term ldquo;serial monogamyrdquo; refers to the practice of having more than one relationship in onersquo;s lifetime, but having each of the relationships be monogamous. You may know someone who fits into this mold if you perhaps have a friend who had a monogamous relationship when she was in her early twenties and after it ended she may have dated other people for a few months or a few years until she found someone else to be in a monogamous relationship, and so on. Not One "Right" Way Although this is a common structure for many couples, it is by no means the only way to have a satisfying, enjoyable, or meaningful relationship. Some couples ndash; like you and your husband ndash; prefer to be in an open relationship and there is no reason to believe that the desire to be in an open relationship is related to anything psychologically wrong or damaging. There is nothing necessarily ldquo;wrongrdquo; with people for wanting to be in an open relationship just as there is nothing necessarily ldquo;wrongrdquo; with people for wanting to be in a monogamous relationship. They are simply different relationship preferences, each with their own challenges and advantages. As you likely know, there are many different ways to have open relationships just as there are different ways to have monogamous relationships. In some open relationships, only one partner has sex with other people. In other open relationships, both partners may have sex with people besides their primary partner. Some couples are very specific about what types of sex acts can occur with other people and, for some, only sex in which they both participate with others (such as threesomes or group sex) are permitted. Less Social Support Because open relationships are less commonly talked about in mainstream American culture, there is less social support for them. Some researchers believe that this lower level of social support can make open relationships challenging to sustain. This doesnrsquo;t mean that open relationships canrsquo;t make it over the long term, but it does mean that it can be helpful to identify friends or family who will support you and the choices you make that help you to feel whole, healthy, happy and satisfied. Recommended Reading In recent years, more books have been written about open relationships and the unique challenges that come with these relationships as well as the relationship and communication skills that can be helpful in helping them to thrive. For additional perspectives and insights, you might find it helpful to read The Ethical Slut or Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/fatigue-day-after-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/fatigue-day-after-sex/#comments Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:00:48 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=884 http://kinseyconfidential.org/fatigue-day-after-sex/feed/ 0 3:02 Although there have been a few case reports of individuals who feel tired or lethargic after sex or masturbation, Irsquo;m not aware of any reports ... Although there have been a few case reports of individuals who feel tired or lethargic after sex or masturbation, Irsquo;m not aware of any reports of couples feeling so dramatically tired after sex that they find it difficult to go about their daily routine. Talk To A Healthcare Provider If this is the case for you and your wife, Irsquo;d suggest meeting with a healthcare provider, who can examine you both for any medical conditions that might be at the root of your exhaustion, and possibly with a sex therapist who might be able to help you identify any other causes of your fatigue. He or she might also be able to work with you to learn more about what your sex life is like, and possible make suggestions as to how you might modify your sex life to deal with these issues. Age And Fatigue It is certainly the case that both men and women, as they age, may feel tired more often and from a wide range of activities than when they are younger. Do you and your wife participate in other forms of exercise? If not, it may not be that itrsquo;s sex per sex that is making you feel fatigued. Perhaps itrsquo;s just that itrsquo;s physical exertion, or exercise, thatrsquo;s making you tired. If so, your healthcare provider or a physical therapist may be able to help guide you and your wife toward a fitness program that helps you both to feel more energetic and able to be sexual in ways that you desire, without feeling overly tired. Nutritional needs change with age, too, and it may be that dietary modifications, as suggested by a registered dietician, will be helpful. Hormonal Balances Finally, you two both are likely experiencing shifts in your hormones. Sometimes women and men experience discreet periods of time in which their bodies are adjusting to these hormonal balances, and you may feel more easily fatigued in general for a while until you feel more adjusted. In any case, Irsquo;d again recommend checking in with a healthcare provider any time that dramatic changes in sexual functioning are noticed, as sometimes they are signs of changes in health status. Common,Problems,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/robotic-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/robotic-sex/#comments Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:00:30 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=868 http://kinseyconfidential.org/robotic-sex/feed/ 0 2:58 Often when women and men describe sex as "robotic", what they are really noticing is a lack of connection with their partner. When two people ... Often when women and men describe sex as "robotic", what they are really noticing is a lack of connection with their partner. When two people aren't connecting emotionally during sex, then all that's left are the physical aspects to sex, which can feel like they're "going through the motions". This can happen for a variety of reasons and, since it is important to you to improve the sexual aspects of your relationship with your girlfriend, it may be worth talking to her about in a way that doesn't come across as judgmental or critical. Not "Robotic" Try not to describe the sex as "robotic" when you talk to her, as she may be trying very hard to please you and may feel sensitive to criticism. Instead, try sharing your hopes for your sex life together and what you'd like to see more of, such as more connection, relaxation, and time spent giving each other pleasure - whether or not you live up to any standard of what sex should be like. Some people find it difficult to relax, let go and get into sex, and this can lead to sex that feels less connecting. Perhaps your girlfriend has had second thoughts about her decision to have sex with you, or wonders in some ways if she is ready to have sex, or if she wants to have the types of sex that you two are having. Other Worries And Anxiety Other concerns can get in the way, too. For example, is it possible that she is worried or anxious about pregnancy or infection? What types of conversations have you two had around these issues? Other times people find it difficult to let go and connect with their partner, sexually, because they aren't quite sure what to do. They may have read books or magazine articles about sex, and may be thinking in their heads about the things they are "supposed" to do rather than touching their partner in ways that feel pleasurable and sensuous to them. To make sex feel more pleasurable and connecting, it can help to talk to each other about sex, and it can also be helpful to learn to touch each other in enjoyable ways - even when you're not actually having sex. Recommended Reading The book For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy provides detailed exercises that couples can use to learn to touch each other in pleasurable ways, in and out of the bedroom. Spending time cuddling, massaging each other and really listening to each other can help move your sex from feeling robotic to feeling just the right mix of comforting and exciting. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/desire-discrepancy-older-couples-sex-frequency/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/desire-discrepancy-older-couples-sex-frequency/#comments Mon, 16 Feb 2009 14:00:58 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=858 http://kinseyconfidential.org/desire-discrepancy-older-couples-sex-frequency/feed/ 0 3:07 Your wife is correct: having sex 3 to 4 times per week in one's 50s is indeed above the average for your age group. In ... Your wife is correct: having sex 3 to 4 times per week in one's 50s is indeed above the average for your age group. In fact, the average frequency of intercourse for couples in their 20s and 30s is only 1 to 2 times per week. Of course, that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with having sex more often - some couples certainly do. Unless, of course, your wife doesn't want to have sex that often. Perhaps she's not really concerned about being "different" than other women her age; it may just be that she is happy having sex less often than you are. Desire Discrepancy When two people who are in a relationship want different frequencies of sex, we sometimes refer to this as "desire discrepancy". It is actually incredibly common for two people to have different preferences for sex - after all, what are the odds that you will find someone who has all the qualities you want in a mate, and who you love, and who happens to love you back, and then you just happen to want exactly the same amount of sex and will always want the same amount of sex for the rest of your lives? Exactly - that's not likely at all. Desire Changes Over Time Even when a couple starts out wanting the same frequency of sex, one or both people's desire may change over time. In fact, desire typically declines with age. Your wife may have experienced a decrease in her desire as she transitioned into menopause. If that's the case, and if that bothers her, she might find it helpful to speak with her healthcare provider or with a sex therapist. Then again, you didn't say that her desire was any less than yours; you just said that she thought 3 to 4 times was higher than the norm. If she is indeed interested in having sex as often as you are, and if this is just a question of what's common for others, then try to enjoy yourselves without worrying too much about how often or how seldom other people have sex. Averages are just averages, and it always takes some people to bring down the average and other people to bring up the average. Maybe you two happen to be one of the couples that brings up the average. Learn More To learn more about what's common (and not) for other couples, you might find the book Sex in America to be of interest. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/#comments Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:00:55 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=758 http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/feed/ 1 3:23 More often these days, people are talking more openly about desire - both in terms of how couples may have different levels of desire as ... More often these days, people are talking more openly about desire - both in terms of how couples may have different levels of desire as well as in terms of how desire often changes throughout one's lifetime. Desire Discrepancy Having different levels of desire - what we often call desire discrepancy - can be difficult for couples, as the person who wants more sex often feels as though they are pestering their partner, or they may feel as though they are not attracted or loved anymore when they ask for sex and their partner declines. The person who wants less sex, or none at all, may feel guilty or as if they are depriving their partner, and yet they may also feel bothered or annoyed at being asked so often for something that they have clearly said they do not want. Often when a couple notices these differences in desire, the changes have been building over time - even if they seem to have happened overnight. It may be that your wife hasn't enjoyed sex for some time and that she has only recently felt comfortable saying this to you. Or else perhaps she has long enjoyed having sex, but recent changes related to menopause, aging or medical conditions have made sex feel less pleasurable or enjoyable for her, or even painful. Significant Changes Around Menopause Sex changes significantly for many women around the time of menopause and she may find it helpful to speak with her healthcare provider about any changes she has noticed not only in relation to desire but also in regard to vaginal dryness, genital sensation, temperature changes or general bodily comfort. You two might also find it helpful to meet with a sex therapist to help you find ways to express and receive affection with each other, even if you don't actually have sex together for some time - if at all. Sometimes a person will stop wanting to be kissed or hugged, mainly because they worry that it will lead to sex. Perhaps your wife will be more open to meeting with a therapist, and working on your shared affection, if you assure her that you will not pressure her do anything she is not interested in (such as have sex). You might say, though, that because you value your relationship so much - including your ability to be affectionate and express love in ways such as kissing, hugging and cuddling - that you would like to see if there are ways that you can find pleasure and joy with each other. Recommended Reading The book For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy may be a helpful resource and you can find a sex therapist through the web site of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Content,Type,,Pleasure,,Orgasm,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/reading-book-improve-sexual-relationship/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/reading-book-improve-sexual-relationship/#comments Wed, 21 Jan 2009 15:37:19 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=783 http://kinseyconfidential.org/reading-book-improve-sexual-relationship/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/pregnancy-infection-risk-lesbian-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/pregnancy-infection-risk-lesbian-sex/#comments Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:00:07 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=475 http://kinseyconfidential.org/pregnancy-infection-risk-lesbian-sex/feed/ 0 3:32 Thanks for your question. In order to become pregnant from sex, a woman would have to have sex with a man, as sperm are required ... Thanks for your question. In order to become pregnant from sex, a woman would have to have sex with a man, as sperm are required for pregnancy. Women simply cannot get pregnant from sex with other women; it is not possible. When female couples wish to have a baby together, they need to use a sperm donor, as they need sperm to fertilize a woman's egg in order to begin a pregnancy. Risk Of Sexually Transmissible Infections (STIs) That said, women can pass sexually transmissible infections, or STIs, to each other through sexual practices. For example, two women can pass bacterial infections such as chlamydia and gonorrhea to each other through oral sex, sharing sex toys, or other sexual play behaviors that involve genital contact. Even yeast infections may be sexually passed among two women, as can herpes, syphilis, HIV and the human papillomavirus (or HPV). Reducing Infection Risk Women can reduce their risk of infection by taking steps toward safer sex. For example, women should not share sex toys with each other. If they both enjoy sex play that involves vibrators or dildos, they should each have their own toy. If they decide to share a toy anyway, then they should place a new, unused condom on the toy before using it and then take the condom off, throw it away, and put a new condom on the toy before the second person uses it. When it comes to oral sex, women can use a latex dental dam or a condom cut in half to serve as a barrier for cunnilingus. This can prevent the spread of infection from mouth to genitals or from genitals to mouth. Talk To Each Other Female couples, like male couples and male-female couples, are best advised to talk to each other about each other's STI testing and treatment history. Like other couples, there is much joy and pleasure to be had for female couples, however, concerns about infection risk can get in the way of being able to relax and enjoy sex. At least in regard to pregnancy risk, you can relax and rest assured that you are not able to become pregnant from sex with another woman. Sometimes concerns about pregnancy or infection reflect more general concerns that a person might have about being sexual. If you are new to sex, and you have questions about it, consider talking to a parent, trusted adult, healthcare provider or counselor about your questions, concerns, anxieties or expectations for sex. If you feel comfortable, you might try talking to your friend about her thoughts on your sexual experience together, how you both felt about it at the time and how you feel about it now, and what - if anything - it means for your friendship. Talking about sex can feel difficult at first, but it often gets easier with practice and can help to make one's sexual life and romantic relationships more enjoyable, relaxing and pleasurable. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Pregnancy aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/why-do-men-watch-porn/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/why-do-men-watch-porn/#comments Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:00:30 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=439 http://kinseyconfidential.org/why-do-men-watch-porn/feed/ 0 3:29 Because watching porn is a relatively common experience that many male teenagers share as they grow up together, men often grow up to see it ... Because watching porn is a relatively common experience that many male teenagers share as they grow up together, men often grow up to see it as a relatively typical, normal and healthy form of sexual expression. Not all men watch porn, of course - some have never seen it and others have seen it, but may feel guilty or shameful watching it, particularly if they have been raised with family, religious or cultural values that view masturbation or viewing sexual images as harmful, wrong or immoral. Others find porn to be funny, silly or un-arousing. Fewer Girls Than Guys Fewer girls, on the other hand, tend to have been exposed to sexual images while growing up. It is not nearly as common for women to describe many instances in which they purposely looked at sexually explicit images in magazines, videos or on the internet. In addition, many young women recall hearing negative things about porn from their mothers or from friends or older sisters. They may have heard that it was wrong for men to watch porn, or that watching porn is a sign of a bad partner, or a partner who is more likely to degrade women or to cheat on a woman. Any of these messages can make a woman feel understandably weary, distrustful or sad about growing up and finding that her boyfriend, fianceacute; or husband watched porn. Then again, some women enjoy watching porn as much as some men, so people do vary. Overcoming Difference In Gender and Experience There are many ways that couples come to term with these differences in gender and experience. Some couples look for sexual images that a woman can feel comfortable with and they may watch these together, as part of their sex play. If this interests you, look for titles by Candida Royalle, or browse a wider range of options at woman-oriented sex boutiques. Other times, a man may try to stop watching porn, though that can be difficult for some to do, especially if they feel that there is nothing wrong with it or if they feel judged, condemned or misunderstood by their partner. For many men, their watching porn is simply a part of their masturbation and a wider range of sexual activities, and not a reflection of their attraction, love or lust for their partner. And yet, if you are feeling insecure, worthless and sad because of your different feelings about porn, that can affect your relationship and your ability to feel safe, vulnerable and intimate together. Recommended Resources You may find that reading a book such as For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy can help you two to improve sexual communication and work around this issue, or else you may find that sex therapy can be helpful. You can find a sex therapist through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/birth-control-effectiveness-unprotected-se/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/birth-control-effectiveness-unprotected-se/#comments Thu, 27 Nov 2008 14:00:55 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=432 http://kinseyconfidential.org/birth-control-effectiveness-unprotected-se/feed/ 0 2:58 At some point in their lives, many women and men become interested in having sex without a condom either so that they can become pregnant ... At some point in their lives, many women and men become interested in having sex without a condom either so that they can become pregnant or so that they can experience sex in a way that may feel closer, more natural or more sensitive than sex with a condom. However, having sex without a condom opens a couple to greater risks, and you are wise to consider these. Birth Control Effectiveness If you have been taking your birth control pills consistently and correctly (as prescribed), then there is little chance of becoming pregnant if you have sex without a condom. Birth control pills are about 99% effective at preventing pregnancy with perfect use, and about 92% effective with typical use. You and your boyfriend are wise to consider pregnancy risk issues and to pay attention to your risk of sexually transmissible infections (STI), particularly since birth control pills don't protect against STI. Depending on when each of you was last tested for STIs, you may want to get tested again if needed. For example, HIV tests are often only considered absolutely accurate if a person gets tested 3-6 months after their last possible exposure. Issues To Consider Finally, before having sex without a condom, it may be worth thinking through a few other things in regard to your relationship. For example, if you were to unintentionally become pregnant, how would each of you feel about raising a child, adoption, or abortion? What are your expectations about exclusivity or monogamy? In what way might having sex without a condom affect your feelings for each other, your sense of closeness, or your anxiety about becoming pregnant? If you stop using condoms, how will you feel about assuming primary responsibility for reducing pregnancy risk? And how will you two share the cost of contraception? There are, of course, no "right" answers to these questions. Thinking about these issues, however, and talking to each other about these or other aspects of your relationship and sexual life together may help you to make decisions that you both feel comfortable with. And when couples feel comfortable with their sexual decisions, they also expand the possibilities for sexual pleasure and enjoyment. Birth,Control,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/yet-another-sex-challenge/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/yet-another-sex-challenge/#comments Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:57:11 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/2008/11/26/yet-another-sex-challenge/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/yet-another-sex-challenge/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-chemistry-healthy-relationships/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-chemistry-healthy-relationships/#comments Thu, 06 Nov 2008 14:00:34 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=411 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-chemistry-healthy-relationships/feed/ 0 3:24 You've hit upon an age-old question that many men and women have wondered. Sexuality, however, is complex and the answer is not cut and dry. ... You've hit upon an age-old question that many men and women have wondered. Sexuality, however, is complex and the answer is not cut and dry. Some couples who have intense sexual chemistry find that although they are attracted to each other and enjoy having sex with each other, they simply cannot spend time together or live together as a couple. Other couples with intense chemistry, however, find that even if they are opposites in other ways, that their relationship is important to them in ways that matter to them - and that their differences enrich each other's lives, even if they sometimes bring discomfort, stress or arguments. As such, we can't tell you whether your chemistry is the sign of a healthy relationship or not, though certainly it seems to reflect at least a shared interest in and desire for sexual expression, and shared experienced of pleasure. Many couples struggle for months or years to become sexually compatible, and it can feel pleasurable, enjoyable and exciting when sex seems to happen naturally between two people. Many women and men wonder whether their relationships are healthy, particularly given the various messages that we hear in the media about how to tell if a person is in a good relationship or a bad one. And yet, healthy relationships tend to have more to do with how a person feels in their relationship than with whether they are similar to or very different from their partner. You didn't say what you meant by feeling "opposite" to your partner when you're not having sex, but it may be worth exploring how you two feel with each other as partners. For example, do you feel comfortable with each other? Are you able to communicate honestly and with care, and to support each other in ways that help you both to feel valued and important? Some satisfied couples have very similar interests in terms of activities, politics, religion, family and money. Others hold very different views on life, or enjoy different activities, but they learn over time how to make a life together. A book by John Gottman, titled "The Relationship Cure", describes how people can learn to understand more about their partner, and communicate in healthy, effective ways - and in spite of their differences - in ways that are relationship enhancing. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No