http://kinseyconfidential.org Just another WordPress weblog Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:00:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 en hourly 1 2006-2007 aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) posts 1440 Just another WordPress weblog Kinsey Confidential Kinsey Confidential aschweig@indiana.edu No no http://kinseyconfidential.org/wp-content/themes/kinsey/images/kinsey-podcast-300.jpg http://kinseyconfidential.org 144 144 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-bleed-lot/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-bleed-lot/#comments Mon, 11 Jan 2010 14:00:40 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1318 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-bleed-lot/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/girlfriends-vagina-dry-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/girlfriends-vagina-dry-sex/#comments Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:00:40 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1311 http://kinseyconfidential.org/girlfriends-vagina-dry-sex/feed/ 1 http://kinseyconfidential.org/feel-restricted-sex-life-girlfriend/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/feel-restricted-sex-life-girlfriend/#comments Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:00:56 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1294 http://kinseyconfidential.org/feel-restricted-sex-life-girlfriend/feed/ 2 3:12 Irsquo;m sorry to hear that your sex life isnrsquo;t as enjoyable or as exciting as you wish it were and that you feel limited in ... Irsquo;m sorry to hear that your sex life isnrsquo;t as enjoyable or as exciting as you wish it were and that you feel limited in the ways that you can express your affection to or attraction for you girlfriend. It can be difficult not to take those types of limits to heart or to feel frustrated by these restrictions. It sounds as though your girlfriend, too, experiences both emotional and possibly physical difficulties in regard to her sexuality. I canrsquo;t help but wonder, for example, what she means by oral sex bringing back bad memories for her. Everyone is entitled to keep secrets that make sense for them and it is certainly not the case that she should have to share information with you if she is not yet ready or able to. History of Sexual Abuse However, if she has a past history of having been abused as a child or if she had uncomfortable, painful or nonconsensual experiences of sex as a teenager or adult, it is very possible that this past continues to have an impact on her. She may or may not be ready to deal with these issues either on her own or with a therapist, but at some point she may find that in order to have a more comfortable, pleasurable or satisfying sexual experience, that she may need to. Vulvodynia In terms of vaginal touching, does she not want you to touch her vaginal because of these same bad memories? Or does it hurt for her vagina or vulva to be touched for other reasons? Some women ndash; perhaps as many as 10 to 15% of women ndash; experience genital pain that can result from daily activities such as bike riding or sitting at a desk, as well as from sexual activities. To learn more about vulvodynia (which means vulvar pain), you or your girlfriend can visit the web site of the National Vulvodynia Association, which is www.nva.org. More Information If your girlfriend has a history of having been sexually abused or assaulted, she may find it helpful to read The Courage to Heal or to meet with a therapist. She can find one through the American Psychological Associationrsquo;s web site which is www.apa.org. In the mean time, you two may also be able to find comfortable ways of connecting in intimate ways that take you away from the unsuccessful things that yoursquo;ve tried together and more into new ways of exploring. Consider getting together and reading For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy for creative ideas about exploring together. Content,Type,,Pleasure,,Orgasm,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/condoms-wetness-vagina/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/condoms-wetness-vagina/#comments Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:00:17 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1254 http://kinseyconfidential.org/condoms-wetness-vagina/feed/ 0 3:42 You both make good points about condoms and lubrication. Rather than focusing on who is right, letrsquo;s take a step back and talk about condoms, ... You both make good points about condoms and lubrication. Rather than focusing on who is right, letrsquo;s take a step back and talk about condoms, vaginal lubrication and store-bought lube. The Benefits of Using Condoms Using condoms ndash; as you pointed out ndash; can have significant benefits. Using a condom during sex can greatly reduce the risk of passing several but not all sexually transmissible infections (STI) including HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea and the human papillomavirus (HPV). Condoms also offer good protection against pregnancy as they prevent sperm and egg from meeting. But yoursquo;re right that as protective as condoms can be, they sometimes make sex feel more dry. After all, sexual intercourse involves a great deal of friction as your penis moves in and out of her body. nbsp;Over time, the lubricant that comes on many lubricated condoms may not feel as though it is quite enough. If the condom gets to dry, there may be an increased risk of the condom breaking. Affect on Lubrication That said, many women ndash; and young women in particular ndash; lubricate sufficiently for comfortable, pleasurable vaginal sex. nbsp;But that doesnrsquo;t mean that there are never times when adding a little store-bought lubricant to her genitals or to the outside of the condoms can help sex to feel better for one or both partners. Sometimes vaginal lubrication feels reduced if a woman is on a low estrogen birth control pill, if she is taking certain medications or if she has just taken a warm bath or shower, which may slightly dry the vagina. nbsp;Other times couples donrsquo;t spent a lot of time in foreplay, or they decide to have a quickie, which may not leave sufficient time for a woman to produce much natural vaginal lubrication. Also, sometimes sex lasts for quite a long time ndash; so long that most women would not keep lubricating in amounts sufficient for comfortable sex or to protect against condom breakage. Adding Extra Lubrication As such, no matter how well lubricated your girlfriend may feel, it may be a good idea to keep some water-based or silicone-based lubricant on hand. Then, if sex feels as though it is becoming dry and you are worried about condom breakage or just feel that lubricant would make sex more pleasurable, you can add a small dab of lubricant to either one of your genitals. There are a variety of lubricant types on the market. Some adult stores and web sites sell sampler packs of water and silicone based lubricants so that women and men can find a lubricant that they like the feel of and that they donrsquo;t find irritating. Also, if condom safety is your main concern, you can also keep a second condom on hand. That way, if the first condom appears to dry out, you can stop intercourse, remove the first condom, put a new condom on, and then resume intercourse. More Information To learn more about sexual play involving condoms and lubricants, check out my book, Because It Feels Good: A Womanrsquo;s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Common,Problems,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/break-before-second-round-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/break-before-second-round-sex/#comments Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:00:32 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1242 http://kinseyconfidential.org/break-before-second-round-sex/feed/ 0 2:31 As long as two people are feeling comfortable and ready to have a second round of sex, there is no need for them to wait ... As long as two people are feeling comfortable and ready to have a second round of sex, there is no need for them to wait any certain length of time before they have sex again. If your partnerrsquo;s body feels tender, sore or irritated then you may want to delay having sex until another day when she or he is feeling more comfortable, ready and interested in having sex again. That said, if your partner wants to jump back into a second round of sex only moments after the first time that you two had sex, thatrsquo;s okay too. Erections Can Stay Firm When men are younger, such as in their teens and twenties, they are often able to get an erection that is firm enough for intercourse even minutes after they have sex. On occasion, they may not even become soft again after they first ejaculate ndash; they may maintain some level of hardness for several minutes or longer and continue having sex. Again, if you and your partner are able to have sex a second or third time in a short period of time, and you both want to, then there is no reason that you have to wait. Tools of the Trade If you use condoms to reduce your risk of pregnancy or infection, make sure to have multiple condoms on hand in case you decide to have sex more than once. If sex lasts for a long time or you anticipate having sex more than once, you may want to keep a bottle of lubricant on hand to help make sex more comfortable and pleasurable for your and your partner. Find Out More Sex can be enormously fun and it can be exciting to have sex more than once in a short period of time. Some couples feel as though they cannot get enough of each other and the chance to re-connect physically can feel very pleasurable. To learn more about sexual pleasure, choosing lubricants and sex techniques, check out Because It Feels Good: A Womanrsquo;s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Content,Type,,Pleasure,,Orgasm,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-sexual-arousal-strangers/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-sexual-arousal-strangers/#comments Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:00:26 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=1189 http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-sexual-arousal-strangers/feed/ 0 2:43 In many cultures, there is a stereotype that men are always ready and eager to have sex with just about anyone. However, as strong as ... In many cultures, there is a stereotype that men are always ready and eager to have sex with just about anyone. However, as strong as a manrsquo;s interest or desire may be, his body may not always be ready to have sex. Some men find it very difficult to get or maintain an erection with partners who they do not know very well. Often they find that they cannot ldquo;makerdquo; themselves have an erection just because they want one. Mental and Physical Sexual arousal is often strongest when a person feels both mentally and physically aroused. If you donrsquo;t know these women very well, you may find it difficult to feel mentally aroused or excited by them. Perhaps it is easier for you to feel sexually aroused, and to become erect, with your ex because you feel more connected to her or mentally turned on by her. After all, you have an entire history with her ndash; you may feel attracted to her because of the way that she makes you feel, or because of her humor or personality in addition to her physical attractiveness. A Physical Problem? Since you are able to still get erections with your ex, it is unlikely that you have a physical problem with your erections. However, if you are concerned about your erectile function or have questions about it, please check in with your healthcare provider. If you are open to getting to know other women well, you might spend more time getting to know them over dinner, drinks or other activities before having sex with them. As you get to know women more, you may find it easier to feel relaxed, comfortable and both mentally and physically turned on. It is also possible that other issues are keeping you from having full and reliable erections with other women. For example, if you are still in love with your ex, you may find it difficult to move on and be with other women until you have resolved those feelings. Recommended Reading To learn more about erectile function, you may find it helpful to read The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions by Richard Milsten and Julian Slowinski. Common,Problems,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/healing-time-genital-cuts-tears/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/healing-time-genital-cuts-tears/#comments Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:00:05 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-healing-time-genital-cuts-tears/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/healing-time-genital-cuts-tears/feed/ 0 2:44 Irsquo;m sorry to hear that yoursquo;ve been in such pain and that the pain has gotten in the way of your sexual activities. Usually A Few ... Irsquo;m sorry to hear that yoursquo;ve been in such pain and that the pain has gotten in the way of your sexual activities. Usually A Few Days Genital and anal cuts and tears usually heal within a few days, though it can depend on their size and severity as well as how you care for the cut or tear as it is healing. Irsquo;d recommend calling your healthcare providerrsquo;s office and asking to speak with a nurse who may be able to provide you with specific suggestions about how to care for the tear. Sometimes genital cuts and tears require special treatment, such as specific types of antibiotic creams, to prevent against infection given how close they are to the anus and any bacteria that may be in the area. Check In With Your Healthcare Provider If the cut or tear does not heal, or if you find that you are relatively prone to genital or anal cuts or tears, I would highly recommend checking in with your healthcare provider. Some people have certain skin conditions that result in sensitive, fragile skin that can easily be torn or irritated. There are treatments available for some of these conditions that help to make onersquo;s skin stronger again and less likely to tear. Modify How You Have Sex Irsquo;m not sure how you got the cut in the first place, but if you originally got it during sex, then you might consider whether there are ways that you can modify your sex to make cuts and tears less likely. For example, you might consider using a water-based lubricant during sex to reduce friction or try positions or intensities of sex that are more comfortable for you. Recommended Reading Finally, you might find it helpful to read The V Book: A Doctorrsquo;s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health which provides information about genital health, including genital tearing. Bodies,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-life-feel/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-life-feel/#comments Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:34:10 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=964 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-life-feel/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-communication-talking-about-virginity/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-communication-talking-about-virginity/#comments Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:00:48 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=846 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexual-communication-talking-about-virginity/feed/ 0 3:07 Many people are uncertain about how to talk to others about sex, including the fact that they have not yet had sex, and itrsquo;s good ... Many people are uncertain about how to talk to others about sex, including the fact that they have not yet had sex, and itrsquo;s good of you to seek out information about what such communication might feel like for others. Awkwardness Factor I suppose the awkwardness factor depends on what you mean by talking to other people about the fact that yoursquo;re a virgin, as well as on the comfort level of the people you are talking to. For example, it might make people feel uncomfortable for you to talk about your virginity in a conversation that seemingly has nothing to do with either sex or virginity, like if the conversation were about school, basketball, shopping or the weather. If, however, you were in a conversation with friends, family or someone you liked in a romantic or sexual way, and you were already talking about personal issues such as your values or choices related to relationships and sexuality, then it might be something to bring up. Because many people do not have experience talking about sex and virginity, talking about these topics can indeed feel awkward at first. However, the awkwardness itself is not a reason to avoid these conversations. With practice, and by making the choice to have these conversations with people you feel close to and trust with your feelings, conversations about sexuality often become increasingly more comfortable and easy-going. To make sure that the other person feels comfortable, you can ask him or her whether the conversations feels comfortable for them. Talking About Sex Learning to talk about sexuality is important for many reasons. If it is important to you to let a potential boyfriend or girlfriend know that you are a virgin, then doing so may help you to feel more comfortable as you begin to get to know each other, hang out or date. If or when you decide to have sex, learning to talk about sexuality can help you to ask important questions of potential partners, such as questions about their values related to sexuality, their past sexual experiences or their history of having been tested for sexually transmissible infections. Feeling comfortable with sexual communication can also make it easier to discuss your sexual likes and dislikes, your interests and your boundaries, so that more of your sexual experiences have the potential to feel pleasurable. Learning to discuss sexuality issues can also make it easier for you to talk to your healthcare provider about your sexual and reproductive health. More On Sexual Communication To learn more about sexual communication, check out The Guide to Getting It On and For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/#comments Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:00:55 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=758 http://kinseyconfidential.org/aging-sexual-desire/feed/ 1 3:23 More often these days, people are talking more openly about desire - both in terms of how couples may have different levels of desire as ... More often these days, people are talking more openly about desire - both in terms of how couples may have different levels of desire as well as in terms of how desire often changes throughout one's lifetime. Desire Discrepancy Having different levels of desire - what we often call desire discrepancy - can be difficult for couples, as the person who wants more sex often feels as though they are pestering their partner, or they may feel as though they are not attracted or loved anymore when they ask for sex and their partner declines. The person who wants less sex, or none at all, may feel guilty or as if they are depriving their partner, and yet they may also feel bothered or annoyed at being asked so often for something that they have clearly said they do not want. Often when a couple notices these differences in desire, the changes have been building over time - even if they seem to have happened overnight. It may be that your wife hasn't enjoyed sex for some time and that she has only recently felt comfortable saying this to you. Or else perhaps she has long enjoyed having sex, but recent changes related to menopause, aging or medical conditions have made sex feel less pleasurable or enjoyable for her, or even painful. Significant Changes Around Menopause Sex changes significantly for many women around the time of menopause and she may find it helpful to speak with her healthcare provider about any changes she has noticed not only in relation to desire but also in regard to vaginal dryness, genital sensation, temperature changes or general bodily comfort. You two might also find it helpful to meet with a sex therapist to help you find ways to express and receive affection with each other, even if you don't actually have sex together for some time - if at all. Sometimes a person will stop wanting to be kissed or hugged, mainly because they worry that it will lead to sex. Perhaps your wife will be more open to meeting with a therapist, and working on your shared affection, if you assure her that you will not pressure her do anything she is not interested in (such as have sex). You might say, though, that because you value your relationship so much - including your ability to be affectionate and express love in ways such as kissing, hugging and cuddling - that you would like to see if there are ways that you can find pleasure and joy with each other. Recommended Reading The book For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy may be a helpful resource and you can find a sex therapist through the web site of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Content,Type,,Pleasure,,Orgasm,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/clitoral-stimulation-pain-tickling-discomfort/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/clitoral-stimulation-pain-tickling-discomfort/#comments Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:07:12 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/2008/07/24/qa-avoiding-pain-from-clitoral-stimulation/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/clitoral-stimulation-pain-tickling-discomfort/feed/ 0 3:03 Absolutely! Even though Irsquo;m sure you know that all women are different, it is helpful to be reminded of that sometimes. In spite of your ... Absolutely! Even though Irsquo;m sure you know that all women are different, it is helpful to be reminded of that sometimes. In spite of your experiences in previous relationships, your current girlfriend is giving you really valuable information about her body and her sexual response that I would encourage you to pay attention to: specifically, she finds that clitoral stimulation with either your mouth or your hand feels ticklish or it hurts. Not The Same For All Women Just because the clitoris is a highly sensitive area of a womanrsquo;s body does not mean that all women want to have direct sexual stimulation of their clitoris during sex. In fact, it is too much to take for some women. Clitoral stimulation may feel uncomfortable, ticklish, or highly sensitive in ways that make women ask their partner to stop that right now. It can also vary over time ndash; for example, sometimes a woman may find that direct clitoral stimulation is uncomfortable until she is very highly aroused, and then she can accept it more comfortably and enjoy it. Other women never enjoy direct clitoral stimulation, but may enjoy stimulation of the area around their clitoris, the labia minora or labia majora (also known as the inner and outer vaginal lips), her vaginal canal, or her breasts or neck or inner thighs. Talk To Her And Try New Things Consider talking to her sometime when you are not about to have sex or in the middle of sex. Reassure her that yoursquo;ve heard her and understand that clitoral stimulation is sometimes uncomfortable for her. You might ask her what types of stimulation feel good, or what types of stimulation shersquo;d be open to trying. Some couples make it a sort of ldquo;sex gamerdquo; to try different types of stimulation using onersquo;s hands, mouth or even toys, and then trying different paces, rhythms, and pressures (E.g., soft vs. firmer pressure with onersquo;s tongue, or slow lick vs. fast flicks). If you frame the experience as about pleasure, rather than trying to reach orgasm together, you can open yourselves to a range of experiences, knowing that it doesnrsquo;t have to ldquo;endrdquo; a certain way and that the only success is learning more about each otherrsquo;s bodies, rather than focusing exclusively on orgasm. Bodies,,Content,Type,,Podcast aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/performance-anxiety-psyching-myself-out-erection/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/performance-anxiety-psyching-myself-out-erection/#comments Mon, 17 Sep 2007 20:31:55 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2007/09/17/qa-am-i-psyching-myself-out-of-my-erection/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/performance-anxiety-psyching-myself-out-erection/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/large-penis-pleasurable-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/large-penis-pleasurable-sex/#comments Thu, 26 Oct 2006 19:42:15 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://www.kinseyconfidential.org/blog/2006/10/26/qa-he-is-too-big-for-me-what-can-i-do-to-make-sex-better/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/large-penis-pleasurable-sex/feed/ 1