Q&A: I Suffer From Delayed Ejaculation When I Have Sex

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QUESTION: For most of my life I have suffered with delayed ejaculation with a partner. I’ve seen a urologist for years and I’m now seeing a sex counselor. The problem is I have no partner at present and this condition has put me off finding one. Sex without ejaculation is so frustrating and upsetting I prefer no sex at all. Can you give me advice?

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Frustrated Suited Guy

Photo: Zach Klein (flickr)

It is common for men who experience delayed ejaculation to feel frustrated or anxious about sex. Unfortunately, anxiety and stress can make it even more difficult to ejaculate.

Anxiety During Sex

Delayed ejaculation refers to the experience of a man taking a long time, often 45 minutes or longer, to ejaculate. Some men have difficulty ejaculating with only certain types of sex, such as during vaginal intercourse or during oral sex. Other men have difficulty ejaculating during all types of sexual stimulation.

It is common for men who experience delayed ejaculation to feel frustrated or anxious about sex. Unfortunately, anxiety and stress can make it even more difficult to ejaculate.

From the Gym to the Bedroom

As such, some men find it helpful to practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, or to practice relaxing activities, such as yoga, that help people to focus on their bodily sensations. In fact, there have been a few small studies that suggest that regular yoga practice can help to enhance some men’s sexuality.

Some men find that it is easier for them to ejaculate is they use a vibrator during sex. As nearly half of men, and more than half of women, have used vibrators alone or with a partner, it would not be unusual to use one with a new partner, should you decide to begin dating again.

Finding Solutions

I would encourage you to consider how you might be able to enjoy sex, even if you continue to experience delayed ejaculation. During your meetings with a sex counselor, you might ask to learn about ways to engage in mutually pleasurable sex, whether or not you ejaculate. In other words, although sex counseling or therapy may be a path toward learning to ejaculate more quickly, you may also be able to learn about additional methods of pleasure and also how to communicate to a partner about your sexual concerns so that your partner can best understand your needs.

Finally, you might find it helpful to read The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld which addresses a range of sexuality issues, including ejaculatory concerns and communication with sex partners.

Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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