Q&A: Sex Dreams, Marital Infidelity and Cheating

E-mail Email Icon Print Print Icon
Reddit Digg StumbleUpon Delicious Bookmark

QUESTION: My wife cannot come unless she stimulates herself. She has had dreams of lesbian sex and sex with multiple men and strange men. Am I losing her? Is my wife secretly longing for sex outside of marriage?

Subscribe to the Kinsey Confidential Podcast: iTunes | RSS

We get quite a lot of questions about sexual fantasies and with good reason: fantasies are a part of a person’s sexual life that differs from reality in important ways.

In fantasy, a person can do whatever they like and feel safe doing it. They can imagine doing things that they might never do in real life, for whatever reason – either because it’s not actually appealing to them in real life or because they would feel too scared, threatened, or uncomfortable in real life. In fantasy, however, a person can control every detail of a sexual experience and make it a perfect, arousing, enjoyable experience.

Fantasies Not Necessarily Reality

The fact that your wife has had dreams or fantasies of lesbian sex, sex with multiple men and sex with men she does not know does not, in and of itself, mean that you are losing her, that she wants to have sex with other people or that there is anything troubling about her sexuality or your relationship together. In fact, it is quite common for women and men to have fantasies of different types of sex.

The fact that your wife feels comfortable sharing the details of her sexual dreams and fantasies with you may suggest that she feels close to you, and that she trusts you to listen to her otherwise private thoughts.

In other words, rather than signaling anything troubling about your relationship, her sharing her fantasies with you may actually be a sign of something very positive, safe and trusting about your relationship.

That said, it is true that sometimes women and men secretly wish that they could have sex with someone else. That doesn’t mean that they will actually do so; it often is just a sign of the strength of the human sex drive.

Perhaps you can recall a time when you have seen someone who you found very attractive and wondered what it was like to be sexual with them. Just because people have these thoughts does not necessarily mean that their relationship is in trouble.

Talk To Her About Your Concerns

If you have questions about your wife’s sexual fantasies, or her feelings for you, try talking to her in a gentle way that suggests you want to understand and connect with her, rather than judge her.

As for her orgasm ability, it is quite common for women to find it difficult to orgasm. It tends to be easier for men to orgasm than it is for women, especially during vaginal intercourse, and many women stimulate themselves to orgasm.

To Learn More

You can learn more about both fantasy and female orgasm in the book For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy.

Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
More posts by this author »

Comments

  • Bob

    We all tend to assume that marriages are monogamous unless otherwise specified. But what about non-married relationships? I'm tired of people assuming that I am supposed to be faithful to my girlfriend if we're not married, don't want to be, and have done nothing to publicly assert than we are monogamous.