Q&A: My Wife Is Uninterested In Certain Sexual Activities
Posted August 17, 2009
QUESTION: What do I do if my wife is uninterested in sexual activities that I desperately would like? For instance, I think that I would greatly enjoy her performing oral sex on me and having intercourse with her from behind, but she says she’s either uninterested or doesn’t enjoy them.
Photo: bottom-feeder (flickr)
Many couples have different levels of sexual desire as well as different types of things that they enjoy doing sexually. Sometimes these preferences cannot be changed. Other times, there is room for movement.
Talk To Her
My first suggestion would be to try to talk with your wife and let her know that you understand that she is not interested in, or does not enjoy, performing oral sex on you or having sex from behind, and that as much as you believe you would enjoy these sexual activities, you accept her choice. Of course, you have to be sincere about your acceptance if you say this!
You might say, however, in your own words, that given that she is your wife and your lover, that you would like to understand more about what she does and doesn’t like sexually, and perhaps a bit about “why” or “why not”. You might also suggest that you would like to share your desires and interests as well.
Possibly The Result of Mis-Information
Sometimes couples don’t enjoy certain activities for reasons they have never considered or because of mis-information that they have about a sexual behavior.
For example, some women have heard from friends or family members that men want women to perform oral sex on them because they want to have power over them, or to control or degrade them. If your wife has heard this idea at different points in her life, she may have come to believe that. You can understand how, if this is her background, that she might not want to perform oral sex on you.
Then again, she may not believe those types of things about fellatio, but she may simply not enjoy it. Performing oral sex on a man can be uncomfortable, especially if a man’s penis is particularly long or thick.
If she indicates that she is open to trying oral sex, you might start slowly – for example, you might negotiate a type of oral sex that she would feel physically or emotionally comfortable with. She may be more comfortable trying this on the bed rather than on her knees, or she may be more comfortable licking the shaft of your penis rather than taking your penis into her mouth. These are the types of details that you will want to discuss with your wife, no matter what type of sex acts you are thinking about approaching her about.
If you have a monogamous relationship, the challenge is to create a sexual relationship together that you can both feel good about. You may find that a book such as Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction or For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy is helpful in exploring new ways of being sexual together. If you find it difficult to explore sex in mutually pleasurable ways, you may find it useful to meet together with a sex therapist – you can find one near you at www.aasect.org.