Q&A: Since My Wife Had Our Son, She Doesn’t Stay Wet. Please help.

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QUESTION: Ever since my wife had our son, she doesn't stay wet. She will be wet for a while. Then in the midst of things, she dries up. We have tried lubes, but after a bit, it's dry again. This is really putting a strain on our relationship, since she thinks I'm cheating cause we don't do it that often since we never get any pleasure from it. Can someone please help.

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A Possible Explanation and Solution

I’m not sure how long it’s been since your wife had your son, or if she is still breastfeeding, but it may be that her estrogen levels are still low. If so, lubricants will only help a little. She may benefit from using a vaginal moisturizer, which is different from a lubricant.

A vaginal moisturizer is something that women insert into the vagina a few times a week, often before bed so that it doesn’t seep out of the vagina thanks to gravity and get on her clothes. The moisturizer can help to keep the vagina moist and comfortable throughout the week and not just when you have sex, though you still may want to use a lubricant when you have intercourse.

An Old Myth

If your wife thinks you’re cheating simply because you’re not having frequent sex, I wonder if she – like many women – believes the myth that most men want sex all the time. Or that men can’t get enough sex. Many women are raised to believe that men always want sex and then, when a boyfriend or a husband doesn’t want sex, it’s confusing to some women, who may wonder if he’s cheating or no longer attracted to her or secretly gay.

It may sound silly – because of course very few people in the world always want sex, most of us get tired or stressed or having other things to do. And yet it’s true that many women, even unconsciously, believe this.

Talk About the Issue

It may be helpful to talk with your wife and reassure her that you are not cheating, but that sex is more comfortable and pleasurable when it’s a little wetter. You’ll want to try and say this in a way that doesn’t make her feel broken or old or damaged since having a baby, as many women struggle with body image issues after having a baby. But talking about the issue with kindness and compassion may help you two to create a more pleasurable sex life together. You can read more about body and sex and relationship changes after having a baby in the book Love in the Time of Colic.