Q&A: Getting Over Shyness About Phone Sex

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QUESTION: My husband has to travel for work for weeks at a time. I want to do more than just talk about the mundane things when he calls. How do I start a sexy phone conversation with my husband? He initiates a sexy topic but I get nervous and don't know how to continue. What should I say? How do I get over the shyness?

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Photo: Eyewash (Flickr)

Many couples find it awkward to get started with phone sex, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth trying, especially with video chat, Face Time and other ways of connecting across the miles.

How nice that you’re interesting in exploring your sexuality with your husband! By looking for new ways to communicate about sex, and to share sex together, you can deepen intimacy and have a more pleasurable sex life together.

Dirty Talk Doesn’t Always Come Easy

It sounds like you’re looking for suggestions in two areas: talking about sex (and possibly talking dirty) and having phone sex. And it sounds like you experience some shyness or discomfort in these areas which is quite common.

Women in particular have often been raised to respond to sex rather than to initiate it. Also, women are often raised to speak more politely and without many so-called “dirty words.”

However, talking about sex directly and using explicit terms can be arousing for women as well as men.

Finding The Words

You might find it helpful to do a few things.

First, you might say to your husband that you’ve noticed he tries to initiate sexy topics on the phone and that you feel intrigued or excited by where things could lead with that, but you’re not sure how to respond, what to say or how to overcome your shyness – and also that you’re working on these things.

At the very least, he will know that you’re trying and interested rather than avoiding him if you communicate this to him.

You might also find it helpful to get a sex book or two and start reading them out loud together. You could try with a basic sex guide – such as Because It Feels Good, a book I wrote to help women and their partners develop more pleasurable sex lives together.

Or you might start with a book of erotic stories, such as Hotel Sex, Yes Ma’am, or one of the Best Sex Writing series. Learn more on our Kinsey Confidential Resources page.

You could trying reading a passage of the book to each other in bed when he’s home – or on the phone when he’s traveling. Over time, it may become easier for you to say sexy words out loud, especially if they’re from a book at first.

With time and practice, you might find that some words feel more natural for you to say or that you like how it feels, or how your husband responds, when you say them out loud to him.

Distance Learning

As for phone sex, many couples find it awkward to get going – there’s a great scene in the movie “Going the Distance” that captures many people’s feelings about the challenges of phone sex.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth trying, however, especially with video chat, Face Time and other ways of connecting across the miles.

Some people simply say what they would like to do. Others masturbate while on the phone using their fingers, a vibrator, rubbing against the bed or – again – using video chat to see one another.

It’s up to you and your husband to explore what feels comfortable enough – and also sexy or adventurous enough – to you.

Next Question: Too Much Masturbation?

Is masturbation unhealthy? Am I masturbating too much if I do it more than once a day?

Read Dr. Debby Herbenick’s response.

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Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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