Q&A: Getting Fitted For A Collar – Sexual Fantasy Or Alarm Bells?

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QUESTION: My partner (who is quite a bit older than I am) told me he was going to get me fitted for a collar and that I was going to love it. He would never disrespect me, and I’m wondering if this was a sexual fantasy of his or if it’s an alarm and I should leave ASAP.

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girl wearing a collar

Photo: grendelkhan (flickr)

Without talking directly to your partner about his idea to get you fitted for a collar, it is difficult to know whether he was making a joke, expressing a sexual desire or fantasy, or something else.

Without talking directly to your partner about his idea to get you fitted for a collar, it is difficult to know whether he was making a joke, expressing a sexual desire or fantasy, sincerely making plans to get you a collar and involve you in sexual role plays (such as slave and master role plays) or something else.

Talk To Your Partner

Given how curious, if not uncomfortable, his comment seems to have made you feel, I would recommend talking to your partner about it some time when you are not having sex or about to have sex and asking for more information.

Using your own words, you might say something like, “Recently you made a comment about getting me fitted for a collar, which surprised me. I didn’t know how to respond at the time, and I’m not sure what you meant by that, but I’d like to talk with you more about it now so that I can understand where you’re coming from.”

By asking him about his ideas or intentions, it gives him the opportunity to be more clear. It also gives you an opportunity to share any concerns that you have about his desires, fantasies or intentions and it gives you more information to use if you truly are thinking about ending your involvement with him.

Are There Other Issues?

The fact that you are wondering if you should stop seeing a man because of a comment he made does make me wonder if there are other aspects of your involvement that feel uncomfortable for you.

Are there issues related to your age differences or the fact that you feel your relationship mainly centers around sex? Are there other concerns you have about the ways that he treats you, or your ability to feel comfortable talking to him about your concerns or worries?

Share Your Feelings With Others

If you would like to talk to someone about your relationship with this man, you might find it helpful to share your feelings with a close friend, family member or a counselor. You can find a counselor near you through the web site of the American Psychological Association.

Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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