Q&A: Am I Wrong To Fall Asleep After Touching My Girlfriend?

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QUESTION: If I initiate fondling of my girlfriend, and my girlfriend just lays there doing nothing but sleeping or resting then gets mad because I fall asleep, who is at fault? I'm the one who initiates sex I do all of the touching in the relationship.

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Photo: erin williamson

Bed

Here at The Kinsey Institute, it is not our job to place blame on you or your partner. What I’d suggest is to talk together and try to not blame one another. Those kinds of negative feelings may help one of you to win a fight, but it probably won’t help you feel that good in your relationship or your sexual experiences together.

Create Guidelines

Does your girlfriend asked to be touched sexually or fondled while she is resting or sleeping? If so, what are her expectations? Does she want you to stay and touch her until she wakes up? If so, that may be unrealistic as, at some point, you may fall asleep too or have other things to do. Giving her fair expectations – for example, saying that you’re happy to touch her until she falls asleep, but might do something else after she falls asleep, is one path to try.

Communication Is Key

It also sounds like you are feeling as though you initiate sex and touching almost all the time, and this bothers you. Rather than letting resentment build, you might find it helpful to let your girlfriend know how much you like being with her but that you’d like it if she initiated sex or touching with you too.

Women are sometimes used to being “chased” or desired or feeling wanted, but don’t always realize – especially as teenagers or young adults – how much men need and want to feel desired and wanted too. You might think what it would mean to you if she touched you more and communicate that to her in your own words. For example, you might say “I want to feel like you want me” or “When you initiate sex with me, it turns me on.”

Learn More

You can learn more about sex and how to talk to your partner about it in Great in Bed or The Guide to Getting It On.

Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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