Q&A: My Boyfriend Always Has An Erection, Masturbates Constantly

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QUESTION: My boyfriend constantly has an erection. He’s always touching himself and masturbating, even while I’m asleep next to him. Whenever we have sex, he only lasts about five minutes. Are his frequent erections and masturbation causing him to come quickly?

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Smile-Man

Photo: practicalowl (flickr)

During sex, it may be that he is generally highly excited or easily aroused and that this helps him to come quickly.

Why Does He Masturbate

Although some people have a stronger sex drive than others, there is a difference between a high sex drive and very frequent erections and masturbation. Although some young men masturbate several times each day, it’s uncommon for this to continue for years.

Even among those men who masturbate several times each day, there are some who do so because it feels good or pleasurable, because they are bored, or because it’s an exciting part of their sex life, with or without a partner.

Other times, men may feel driven to masturbate not because it is simply pleasurable but because they feel compelled, for some reason, to do so. Compulsive masturbation is experienced by a minority of men, but for some men masturbation almost seems to take over their life. They may find that masturbation gets in the way of their ability to develop or maintain a satisfying romantic relationship or that it gets in the way of friendships or even getting work done.

Masturbation in the Relationship

If your boyfriend generally finds that his masturbation does not bother him or cause him problems in his life, then it may be that the primary problems have to do with your feelings about his masturbation, erections and the way he frequently touches his penis. You may want to try talking with him about your feelings, approaching him a way that suggests you want to learn more about his feelings about masturbation, his sex drive and how you can figure out how to have a mutually satisfying sex life.

You mentioned, for example, that he masturbates while you are sleeping next to him but you didn’t say how you feel about this. You might find it helpful to spend some time thinking about your feelings: does it turn you on to know that he’s masturbating next to you? Does it bother you? Do you wish that he would try to have sex with you, instead of masturbating? Do you wonder what or who he’s thinking of while masturbating next to you? Letting him know what you think may help to open the conversation.

More Information

If your boyfriend is bothered by his frequent arousal, erections or masturbation, he may find it helpful to meet with a sex therapist. If you find that you’re unable to create a pleasurable sex life together, you might find it helpful to meet with a sex therapist together. You can find one through the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.

Regarding his performance during sex, it may be that he is generally highly excited or easily aroused and that this helps him to come quickly. Alternatively, it may be that if he has trained himself to come quickly during masturbation, that he’s created a quick ejaculatory response.

If he’s interested in lasting longer, he can learn masturbation or partnered exercises in the book Coping With Premature Ejaculation. You may also be able to explore partnered exercises to create more pleasure by reading For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy together.

Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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