Q&A: How Can I Learn To Orgasm With My Partner?

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QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have great sex together and he is really great at oral sex. However, I have never had an orgasm with any of my sexual partners. The only way I can reach orgasm is by laying on my stomach and cupping my hands together and placing them on the skin above the left side of my clitoris and then I apply just a little bit of pressure. As I said, I get really close to orgasm through oral sex but it just never seems to happen and I don't know how to translate how I get myself off into our sex lives. I would appreciate any advice you could give me.

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lemon that looks like a clitoris

Photo: shadowmoonofluna (Flickr)

You may be interested to learn that many women, like you, stimulate their clitoris in the vicinity of the clitoris, rather that directly on the glans clitoris, which is the outside part of the clitoris that is usually about 1/4 to 1 inch long and above the vaginal entrance.

It’s very common for women to have questions about how to learn to experience orgasm alone or with a partner.

In your case, you’ve already found a way to experience orgasm by yourself during masturbation; you’re simply looking for a way to take what you’ve learned during private masturbation and apply it to sexual experiences with a sex partner.

Stimulate The Clitoris

You may be interested to learn that many women, like you, stimulate their clitoris in the vicinity of the clitoris, rather that directly on the glans clitoris, which is the outside part of the clitoris that is usually about 1/4 to 1 inch long and above the vaginal entrance.

Some research has found that women most commonly stimulate their clitoral area above the glans clitoris or on the sides of the glans clitoris, as you do.

You may find it helpful to let your boyfriend know that you like to be stimulated on the left side of your clitoris.

You might even ask him to try using his hands or fingers in a way that’s similar to how you do it. Or to direct his tongue or mouth stimulation to that area of the clitoris.

You two can also explore with different paces and types of stimulation during oral sex. Some women like long, slow licks and others find that their body responds to quicker stimulation.

As you get closer and closer to orgasm, you may find it easier if he keeps a steady form of stimulation. Of course, it can be difficult or tiring to keep stimulating a partner to the point of orgasm, so be gentle and understanding of your boyfriend and his attempts to learn a technique that feels pleasurable for you.

Share And Share Alike

I wonder, too, if you’ve considered showing your boyfriend your personal technique. You could lay on your stomach and cup your hands against your clitoris when you and your boyfriend together.

He could get involved by laying on top of you, or by laying next to you, and kissing you. Another idea is to try using a vibrator together.

If you’re new to vibrators, you might try one with a multi-speed dial, such as a silver bullet vibrator, so that you can start out at a low intensity and turn the intensity higher until you find a speed that feels right to you.

Finally, try to be patient with yourself. Learning to orgasm can take time and is more likely to happen when a woman is feeling relaxed rather than anxious or pressured. To learn more tips about how to experience orgasm, check out Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual And Personal Growth Program For Women or Because It Feels Good: A Woman’ s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.

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Read Dr. Debby Herbenick’s response.

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Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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