Q&A: I Fantastize About My Wife Having Sex With Other Men
Posted May 27, 2010
QUESTION: Is fantasizing about my wife having sex with another man considered abnormal, immoral, or disloyal? I haven't told her this because of fear of hurting her and losing her.
Photo: dhammza (flickr.com)
The World of Imagination
Men and women fantasize about diverse situations and individuals. Some people, like you, fantasize about their partner having sex with another person.
Such sexual fantasies may involve threesomes or larger numbers of people involved in group sex or orgies. Other times people fantasize about their partner having sex with one other person – either with them watching or in private, imagining that their partner is cheating on them. Sometimes people even find it particularly arousing to fantasize about walking in on their partner having sex with another person.
Fantasies like these do not necessarily make you abnormal or disloyal to your wife. People have different ideas about what is wrong or not for themselves or for their relationship. Many people also often find that their fantasies may change throughout the course of their relationships or their lives. Just because you have these fantasies now does not mean that you always will.
I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore
It’s also the case that when people try very hard to stop thinking about something, the thought or fantasy can become even more prominent, or become difficult to stop thinking about. You might consider how you can give yourself permission to experience, or even enjoy, your fantasy.
Fantasies like you described – in which a man fantasizes about his wife cheating with another man – may be called “cuckoldry” fantasies or “hotwife” fantasies. Though they have likely been around for many generations, they are becoming more openly discussed in recent years.
Thoughts Become Reality
Whether or not you tell your wife about your fantasy is up to you, though it’s not unusual for people to keep some of their sexual thoughts or fantasies to themselves.
However, some couples enjoy sharing fantasies with each other. Just because two people enjoy or feel aroused by sharing fantasies or role-playing does not mean that they want to engage in the fantasy in real life. If your wife is open to hearing about your fantasy, you may be able to role play by talking during sex or by her using a sex toy, such as a dildo, as if she were having sex with another man.
You and your wife may also enjoy exploring a range of sexual fantasies together. Best American Erotica 2008, edited by Susie Bright, includes a story called “Playing Doctor” that is about cuckoldry.
In addition, Insatiable Wives: Women who Stray and the Men Who Love Them by David Ley highlights interviews with couples who participate in the so-called “hot wife phenomenon.”