Q&A: I Fantastize About My Wife Having Sex With Other Men

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QUESTION: Is fantasizing about my wife having sex with another man considered abnormal, immoral, or disloyal? I haven't told her this because of fear of hurting her and losing her.

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Cuckoldry Fantasy

Photo: dhammza (flickr.com)

Some people fantasize about their partner having sex with another person, and some people fantasize about their partner cheating on them.

The World of Imagination

Men and women fantasize about diverse situations and individuals. Some people, like you, fantasize about their partner having sex with another person.

Such sexual fantasies may involve threesomes or larger numbers of people involved in group sex or orgies. Other times people fantasize about their partner having sex with one other person – either with them watching or in private, imagining that their partner is cheating on them. Sometimes people even find it particularly arousing to fantasize about walking in on their partner having sex with another person.

Fantasies like these do not necessarily make you abnormal or disloyal to your wife. People have different ideas about what is wrong or not for themselves or for their relationship. Many people also often find that their fantasies may change throughout the course of their relationships or their lives. Just because you have these fantasies now does not mean that you always will.

I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore

It’s also the case that when people try very hard to stop thinking about something, the thought or fantasy can become even more prominent, or become difficult to stop thinking about. You might consider how you can give yourself permission to experience, or even enjoy, your fantasy.

Cuckoldry

Fantasies like you described – in which a man fantasizes about his wife cheating with another man – may be called “cuckoldry” fantasies or “hotwife” fantasies. Though they have likely been around for many generations, they are becoming more openly discussed in recent years.

Thoughts Become Reality

Whether or not you tell your wife about your fantasy is up to you, though it’s not unusual for people to keep some of their sexual thoughts or fantasies to themselves.

However, some couples enjoy sharing fantasies with each other. Just because two people enjoy or feel aroused by sharing fantasies or role-playing does not mean that they want to engage in the fantasy in real life. If your wife is open to hearing about your fantasy, you may be able to role play by talking during sex or by her using a sex toy, such as a dildo, as if she were having sex with another man.

More Information

You and your wife may also enjoy exploring a range of sexual fantasies together. Best American Erotica 2008, edited by Susie Bright, includes a story called “Playing Doctor” that is about cuckoldry.

In addition, Insatiable Wives: Women who Stray and the Men Who Love Them by David Ley highlights interviews with couples who participate in the so-called “hot wife phenomenon.”

Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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Comments

  • Sex Toys

    There's no need to worry if you as the husband really do the demand for sex of your wife, anyways both of you are partners.

  • jenbelle13

    My guy, who we've known each other for 15 years and have always had a very close bond even though we have been apart by distance this whole time. We've been together on several occasions but have been in different places in life at different times to make things work in the same zip code. When we first knew each other up until probably 5 years ago we never spoke of anyone we were dating or seeing or anything. It was almost like avoiding the fact that we both had lives that we were living outside of one another. We both felt from the very beginning a very true and unbreakable love towards one another.

    There came a time when he asked me point blake about my past and sexual history. It was very difficult for both of us hearing of each others sexual history and relationships. I think it actually was hurting me more knowing how much if it was affecting him hearing it. I don't recall when the mention of him wanting me to be with others came about but he found extreme pleasure the more harsh I was with telling of the details when it would happen.

    We've come to a cross road at this point where either we go fully into this and accept this life as ours or turn our backs. We've both decided that this life regardless is going to happen but I'm having such a difficult time understanding and putting it into perspective. I don't know why he would want this, besides the obvious turn on's, but the larger question for me is what is causing him to feel this way? I do worry that what if I can't give him the harsher side of things that he is wanting. He wants me being more degrading towards him but I don't have it in me to be mean in that way towards someone I love so dearly. Is being a cuckold something that is just inbedding in him and I need to quit questioning and trying to define why and just go with it? I know his large issue with me that he doesn't feel like I know what this is doing to him, which is correct. I have a very hard time putting myself in his shoes when I don't understand why he would want this when I love him so uncondionally even without this lifestyle.

    He's a very private person and for the most part keeps to himself. He did go through a very wild stage of drinking, drugs and women but never a relationship that was extremely meaningful. He doesn't share much about his family, but what he has shared is everything I've pulled out of him over the years. He recently revealed that he believes that his parents were swingers at one time. His dad's brother actually was involved with his mom beyond sexual relations. His dad and brother would force him to perform sexual acts for them in a very verbal degrading way. His parents are recently, within the last few years, sepereated and his father has some very young 20-something girl. He has very little contact with his father other then the ocassional phone call. His mother he speaks to on a regular bases and is somewhat close to. His brother went through a difficult phase of drugs and is now clean and living a productive life but doesn't have much contact with the family. His uncle lives a very open sexual lifesyle and has become my guys outlet for revealing more of his desires and finding out more about his family.

    I hope this wasn't completely confusing! I have to believe that his up bringing of the family dynamics have something to do with him wanting to be cuckold. I just don't understand if it was such a dramatic and difficult time why he wouldn't rebel against it and never want to face that degrading life again? If anyone can shead some light on this I would greatly appreciate it!