Q&A Confused About Ex-Girlfriend’s Sexual Orientation

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QUESTION: A year ago my best friend and I fell in love, so we decided to start "our first lesbian relationship". Everything was great until one day she said we both wanted families and she preferred to end it now rather than to love me more. She went back to her ex-boyfriend. I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but what is she?

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Photo: Salanki (Flickr)

Some research scientists believe that most people are some shade of bisexual in that they are attracted to or have been sexual with (or would like to be sexual with) men and women.

If you’re asking what sexual orientation your ex-girlfriend is, I can’t tell you that.

No Rules When It Comes To Attraction

Some research scientists believe that most people are some shade of bisexual in that they are attracted to or have been sexual with (or would like to be sexual with) men and women.

Not everyone is equally attracted to both men and women – some people are attracted mostly to men and a little to women. Others are attracted mostly to women and a little to men.

Check out the Kinsey Scale, available on The Kinsey Institute’s website for more information about this concept.

However your former girlfriend identifies her sexual orientation, this much is clear: she chose not to be with you.

She still texts you and she may still be attracted to you or feel that she loves you. Maybe she feels that she truly is bisexual or lesbian but ultimately wants to be dating, in a relationship with or married to a man.

Our research suggests that most bisexual-identified women partner with men, though not all do. And some bisexual women continue to be sexual with women even when they have boyfriends or husbands – often times, this is with their boyfriend or husband present (as with threesomes).

Other times, the woman and her partner come to an understanding that allows one or both of them to be sexual with other people, as with open relationships.

It is possible that your ex-girlfriend will come back to you and want to be with you again. Then again, she may never do so. It is impossible to predict how she will feel about you or what you will do.

Model Relationships

It is unfortunate that, given discrimination against same-sex couples and gay and lesbian individuals, some people feel afraid to be who they really are.

Some people want very much to partner with someone of their same sex but worry how they will ever come out to their family, friends, co-workers or the rest of the world.

If a person doesn’t have friends who are gay or lesbian, they may not have first-hand experience or knowledge about how well same-sex relationships can work, just as other-sex relationships can work well.

Not everyone knows gay or lesbian couples who raise children together, either. Perhaps if your ex-girlfriend saw that she could be in a lesbian relationship and still raise children with her partner, she would feel differently and want to try a relationship with you.

Then again, she may feel in her heart of hearts that as much as she is attracted to you or loves you, that she ultimately wants to partner with a man. As  much as that may hurt you, it may be who she truly is.

You can learn more about lesbian and gay relationship issues through Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. You can also view thousands of online videos that give hope to how great life can be as a gay, lesbian or bisexual person through the It Gets Better Project.

Next Question: Orgasm & Desire After Vasectomy

Before I had a vasectomy, I used to have good powerful orgasms which let me feel relieved and satisfied after ejaculation. Now, after the vasectomy I still have the desire but at the moment of ejaculation I no longer have any orgasm or feeling of release. The standard response from the doctors is that the vasectomy changed nothing. What are your views?

Read Dr. Debby Herbenick’s response.

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Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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