http://kinseyconfidential.org Just another WordPress weblog Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:59:26 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.5 en hourly 1 © aschweig@indiana.edu () aschweig@indiana.edu() 1440 Just another WordPress weblog aschweig@indiana.edu No no http://kinseyconfidential.org/wp-content/themes/kinsey/images/kinsey-podcast-300.jpg http://kinseyconfidential.org 144 144 http://kinseyconfidential.org/hooking-todays-rewards-1960s-sexual-revolution/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/hooking-todays-rewards-1960s-sexual-revolution/#comments Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:00:12 +0000 Eric Anthony Grollman (M.A.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/hooking-todays-rewards-1960s-sexual-revolution/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/hooking-todays-rewards-1960s-sexual-revolution/feed/ 1 http://kinseyconfidential.org/race-ethnicity-affects-responds-online-dating/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/race-ethnicity-affects-responds-online-dating/#comments Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:00:02 +0000 Eric Anthony Grollman (M.A.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/raceethnicity-affects-responds-online-dating/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/race-ethnicity-affects-responds-online-dating/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/#comments Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:00:42 +0000 Eric Anthony Grollman (M.A.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/men-women-accept-sexual-offers/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/men-women-accept-sexual-offers/#comments Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:15:26 +0000 Jennifer Bass (M.P.H.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1244 http://kinseyconfidential.org/men-women-accept-sexual-offers/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/#comments Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:00:32 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1232 http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/feed/ 0 3:15 It can be challenging enough to find someone to date or marry who has enough of the qualities that a person wants in a partner. ... It can be challenging enough to find someone to date or marry who has enough of the qualities that a person wants in a partner. Even more difficult is to find someone who has these qualities, who you like or love, who likes or loves you back and who just happens to have the same sexual preferences or desires as you do. Different Likes and Dislikes Given the complexities of love and attraction, then, itrsquo;s actually quite common to have different likes or dislikes in regard to sex. It is how couples work out those differences that matters. In your situation, you and your fianceacute; appear to be at a standstill in regard to sexual intimacy. You participate in the sexual activities that appear to bring him enjoyment and/or orgasm ndash; specifically, vaginal intercourse that follows a little bit of foreplay. However, he has made it clear to you that he does not want to participate in any of the sexual activities that you crave. Further, you seem to feel as though he is unfairly comparing you to other women he has had sex with or that he is suggesting something may be wrong with you because your body responds in a different way than other women he has had sex with. Power Dynamics and Frustration This is problematic for several reasons. You seem to feel misunderstood and maybe unheard in your relationship. This is important to pay attention to because if you feel as though you donrsquo;t have power or a voice in your romantic and sexual relationship, then those types of power dynamics can lead to feelings of helplessness or frustration. Because yoursquo;ve expressed significant concern about the future of your sex life together, I would recommend that you consider meeting together with a sex therapist. Find A Sex Therapist Consider approaching him about your need to find some way to have a more mutually pleasurable sex life and your hope that a trained sex therapist might be able to help you two with your concerns and frustrations. You can find a sex therapist in your area through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapistsrsquo; web site or through the web site of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,amp;,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-sex-youth-intellectual-disabilities/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-sex-youth-intellectual-disabilities/#comments Thu, 08 Oct 2009 06:09:55 +0000 Jennifer Bass (M.P.H.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1200 http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-sex-youth-intellectual-disabilities/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-inanimate-objects/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-inanimate-objects/#comments Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:00:27 +0000 Natalie Ingraham (M.P.H.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/love-ofinanimate-objects/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-inanimate-objects/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/universities-institute-dorm-sex-policies/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/universities-institute-dorm-sex-policies/#comments Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:43:29 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1214 http://kinseyconfidential.org/universities-institute-dorm-sex-policies/feed/ 2 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexiled-freshman-experience/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexiled-freshman-experience/#comments Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:24:22 +0000 J. Bradley Blankenship (M.S.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1199 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sexiled-freshman-experience/feed/ 1 http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/#comments Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:00:47 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/qa-wife-uninterested-sexual-activities/feed/ 1 3:38 Many couples have different levels of sexual desire as well as different types of things that they enjoy doing sexually. Sometimes these preferences cannot be ... Many couples have different levels of sexual desire as well as different types of things that they enjoy doing sexually. Sometimes these preferences cannot be changed. Other times, there is room for movement. Talk To Her My first suggestion would be to try to talk with your wife and let her know that you understand that she is not interested in, or does not enjoy, performing oral sex on you or having sex from behind, and that as much as you believe you would enjoy these sexual activities, you accept her choice. Of course, you have to be sincere about your acceptance if you say this! You might say, however, in your own words, that given that she is your wife and your lover, that you would like to understand more about what she does and doesnrsquo;t like sexually, and perhaps a bit about ldquo;whyrdquo; or ldquo;why notrdquo;. You might also suggest that you would like to share your desires and interests as well. Possibly The Result of Mis-Information Sometimes couples donrsquo;t enjoy certain activities for reasons they have never considered or because of mis-information that they have about a sexual behavior. For example, some women have heard from friends or family members that men want women to perform oral sex on them because they want to have power over them, or to control or degrade them. If your wife has heard this idea at different points in her life, she may have come to believe that. You can understand how, if this is her background, that she might not want to perform oral sex on you. Start Slowly Then again, she may not believe those types of things about fellatio, but she may simply not enjoy it. Performing oral sex on a man can be uncomfortable, especially if a manrsquo;s penis is particularly long or thick. If she indicates that she is open to trying oral sex, you might start slowly ndash; for example, you might negotiate a type of oral sex that she would feel physically or emotionally comfortable with. She may be more comfortable trying this on the bed rather than on her knees, or she may be more comfortable licking the shaft of your penis rather than taking your penis into her mouth. These are the types of details that you will want to discuss with your wife, no matter what type of sex acts you are thinking about approaching her about. Recommended Reading If you have a monogamous relationship, the challenge is to create a sexual relationship together that you can both feel good about. You may find that a book such as Because It Feels Good: A Womanrsquo;s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction or For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy is helpful in exploring new ways of being sexual together. If you find it difficult to explore sex in mutually pleasurable ways, you may find it useful to meet together with a sex therapist ndash; you can find one near you at www.aasect.org. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,amp;,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/open-relationships-dysfunctional/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/open-relationships-dysfunctional/#comments Mon, 13 Jul 2009 14:00:58 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-open-relationships-dysfunctional/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/open-relationships-dysfunctional/feed/ 0 3:27 People work out their relationships in numerous ways. In American culture, serial monogamy is one of the more commonly practiced relationship structure among couples ndash; ... People work out their relationships in numerous ways. In American culture, serial monogamy is one of the more commonly practiced relationship structure among couples ndash; especially those that identify as heterosexual. Serial Monogamy The term ldquo;serial monogamyrdquo; refers to the practice of having more than one relationship in onersquo;s lifetime, but having each of the relationships be monogamous. You may know someone who fits into this mold if you perhaps have a friend who had a monogamous relationship when she was in her early twenties and after it ended she may have dated other people for a few months or a few years until she found someone else to be in a monogamous relationship, and so on. Not One "Right" Way Although this is a common structure for many couples, it is by no means the only way to have a satisfying, enjoyable, or meaningful relationship. Some couples ndash; like you and your husband ndash; prefer to be in an open relationship and there is no reason to believe that the desire to be in an open relationship is related to anything psychologically wrong or damaging. There is nothing necessarily ldquo;wrongrdquo; with people for wanting to be in an open relationship just as there is nothing necessarily ldquo;wrongrdquo; with people for wanting to be in a monogamous relationship. They are simply different relationship preferences, each with their own challenges and advantages. As you likely know, there are many different ways to have open relationships just as there are different ways to have monogamous relationships. In some open relationships, only one partner has sex with other people. In other open relationships, both partners may have sex with people besides their primary partner. Some couples are very specific about what types of sex acts can occur with other people and, for some, only sex in which they both participate with others (such as threesomes or group sex) are permitted. Less Social Support Because open relationships are less commonly talked about in mainstream American culture, there is less social support for them. Some researchers believe that this lower level of social support can make open relationships challenging to sustain. This doesnrsquo;t mean that open relationships canrsquo;t make it over the long term, but it does mean that it can be helpful to identify friends or family who will support you and the choices you make that help you to feel whole, healthy, happy and satisfied. Recommended Reading In recent years, more books have been written about open relationships and the unique challenges that come with these relationships as well as the relationship and communication skills that can be helpful in helping them to thrive. For additional perspectives and insights, you might find it helpful to read The Ethical Slut or Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,amp;,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/intercourse-ending-long-relationship/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/intercourse-ending-long-relationship/#comments Mon, 18 May 2009 14:00:42 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-intercourse-long-relationship/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/intercourse-ending-long-relationship/feed/ 0 2:59 Irsquo;m not certain if yoursquo;re asking how likely it is that a woman will have intercourse with other people at any point in her life ... Irsquo;m not certain if yoursquo;re asking how likely it is that a woman will have intercourse with other people at any point in her life after a relationship ends or how likely it is that she will have intercourse with other men within a relatively short period of time after her long-term relationship ends. Of course, women vary and one answer will not be accurate for all women. It is true that some women ndash; like some men - have one and only love, or one and only sexual partnership, and never have another. This was particularly true among older generations. New Partnerships But even among older women and men now, whose spouses die after a marriage that may have spanned several decades, some people do begin new romantic or sexual relationships. Some begin these new partnerships soon after their partner dies, or soon after they divorce or separate, and others may take longer to begin a new partnership. With younger people, there is also some variation. However, most young people ndash; if their relationship ends for whatever reason ndash; will likely have another romantic or sexual relationship in their lives. After all, for most people, life is quite long and is full of opportunities for meeting people and experiencing attraction or love. Also, most people want to spend large portions of their lives engaged in loving, intimate and/or sexual relationships with another person. Many Factors That said, there are many factors that influence how long a person may wait before they enter a sexual relationship with someone after a relationship has ended. Some people jump rather quickly into a new sexual partnership perhaps because they miss being sexual with another person, or maybe because theyrsquo;ve simply met someone who they feel very comfortable with or attracted to. Other people take a longer time to begin a new sexual partnership. They may do this consciously, by deciding to wait a certain number of weeks or months before dating again or getting involved with someone. Or they may do this unconsciously ndash; they may, for example, find that they feel too hurt, sad, depressed or uncomfortable about being sexual with someone new. Recommended Reading To learn more about how to move on emotionally and physically following the end of a relationship, check out How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,amp;,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/initiate-sex-girlfriend/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/initiate-sex-girlfriend/#comments Mon, 11 May 2009 14:00:48 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/qa-initiate-sex-girlfriend/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/initiate-sex-girlfriend/feed/ 0 4:10 Considering how rare it is for young men and women to have received comprehensive sexuality information in school or from their parents, itrsquo;s not surprising ... Considering how rare it is for young men and women to have received comprehensive sexuality information in school or from their parents, itrsquo;s not surprising that many people are curious about what exactly happens when two people have sex. Even when teachers and parents do talk to their teenaged or college-aged kids about having sex, they often focus mainly on the risks associated with sex such as sexually transmissible infections (STI), unintended pregnancy, or feeling hurt, used or heartbroken. Itrsquo;s less common for men and women to learn about the possible pleasures and joys associated with sex as well as the basic ldquo;how-tordquo; information about sex, including who initiates it. Couples often find that it feels natural to take turns. Sometimes one person initiates and other times the other person initiates. It can feel sexy for people to each get a chance to initiate or to respond. Talk To Her I would recommend talking to this girl to learn more about her interest in being sexual with you. Are you certain that she wants to have sex with you? If so, how do you know? Some people mistake flirtation for an interest in sex, and itrsquo;s important to make sure that the person you think wants to have sex with you truly does want to have sex with you before you go any further. All too often, people mis-read signals and may end up in a situation in which one person said that sex was wanted and the other one says it wasnrsquo;t - that it was assault or rape. Making certain that your partner wants to be sexual with you is therefore critical. If you talk and find out that she is interested in having sex, donrsquo;t forget to make sure that you want to have sex too! Sometimes men have sex simply because theyrsquo;ve found someone who wants to have sex with them, rather than because they are attracted to, in like or in love with the person. If you want to wait until you find someone who you are more attracted to or who you have certain feelings or commitments to, or find it easier to talk about sex with, thatrsquo;s okay too. ...And Talk Some More If you both want to have sex, Irsquo;d recommend that you do even more talking first. What steps are you both taking regarding birth control? You mentioned that you havenrsquo;t had sex before, but have you had other types of sex such as oral sex or dry sex (rubbing your naked genitals against a partnerrsquo;s naked genitals)? Has she? If so, you two may want to get tested for STIs before being sexual with each other. You may also want to discuss your expectations for having sex such as whether you will consider yourselves to be in a relationship, to be free to date other people or not, whether you want to hang out more often, and such. Believe it or not, this whole process of communication is a major part of initiating sex as it lets your partner know that yoursquo;re into them and that yoursquo;re taking it seriously and treating them ndash; and yourself - with respect and care. Foreplay When it comes to the physical aspects of sex, people often start with kissing and non-genital touching, such as touching or caressing each other on the stomach, back, breasts/chest, arms or inner thighs before moving to genital touching. Some people spend 10 or 20 minutes or longer in foreplay before having intercourse. Others spend even longer (an hour or more) in foreplay, which can increase arousal and enhance a womanrsquo;s natural vaginal lubrication, making sex more comfortable and pleasurable. Learn More To learn more about sex, check out S.E.X. The All-You-Need-to-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College by Heather Corinna. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,amp;,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-life-feel/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-life-feel/#comments Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:34:10 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=964 http://kinseyconfidential.org/sex-life-feel/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/family-webisodes-spotlight-polyamory/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/family-webisodes-spotlight-polyamory/#comments Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:01:15 +0000 Natalie Ingraham (M.P.H.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=960 http://kinseyconfidential.org/family-webisodes-spotlight-polyamory/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/husband-stopped-sleeping-with-me/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/husband-stopped-sleeping-with-me/#comments Mon, 30 Mar 2009 14:00:04 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/?p=912 http://kinseyconfidential.org/husband-stopped-sleeping-with-me/feed/ 0 3:19 Irsquo;m sorry to hear about this drastic change in your sex life. It can feel confusing and frustrating to want to be sexually intimate with ... Irsquo;m sorry to hear about this drastic change in your sex life. It can feel confusing and frustrating to want to be sexually intimate with onersquo;s partner and for that partner to decline invitations to have sex. This can feel particularly upsetting when itrsquo;s unclear why sex has stopped. After all, how can you fix a relationship problem if you donrsquo;t understand how it started in the first place, or the reasons behind it now? Many Possible Reasons People stop having sex for many reasons and it is impossible for us to know why your husband stopped having sex with you. Since it seems as though the two of you have discussed the possibility of him seeing a doctor in regard to the lack of sex, I wonder if you noticed physical problems ndash; such as difficulties with erections ndash; that might be contributing to the lack of sex. Sometimes men begin to notice erection problems during sex with a partner, or even during their own masturbation, and they begin to shy away from sex for fear of failure. Other times men, like some women, may choose to stop having sex because they lose desire for sex. Desire can decrease for any number of reasons including relationship problems or health problems. Even if your husband doesnrsquo;t want to talk to a doctor about his sex life, I wonder if he could be encouraged to see a doctor for an annual wellness exam in case he has any health conditions that should be addressed. Whether his choice to stop having sex is related to physical problems, anxiety, depression, or relationship issues is anyonersquo;s guess. However, sexual intimacy is clearly important to you and you have a right to understand more about these changes to your sexual life and marriage. Consider Therapy or Counseling You might ask your husband if he would consider going with you to meet with a sex therapist or marriage counselor. Perhaps reassure him ndash; and mean it ndash; that your goal is to work on becoming closer and strengthening your marriage, rather than being to get him to have sex. After all, if you can get your relationship intimacy back on track, you may have a chance ndash; over time ndash; of restoring your sex life. You can find a sex therapist through the web site of the Society for Sex Therapy and Researching, and you can locate marriage therapists through the web site of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. Further Reading Finally, consider reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,amp;,Love,,Special,,flagged,-,still,needs,some,edits aschweig@indiana.edu no No