http://kinseyconfidential.org Just another WordPress weblog Sat, 13 Mar 2010 17:03:39 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 en hourly 1 2006-2007 aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) aschweig@indiana.edu (Kinsey Confidential) posts 1440 Just another WordPress weblog Kinsey Confidential Kinsey Confidential aschweig@indiana.edu No no http://kinseyconfidential.org/wp-content/themes/kinsey/images/kinsey-podcast-300.jpg http://kinseyconfidential.org 144 144 http://kinseyconfidential.org/girlfriend-feel-bad-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/girlfriend-feel-bad-sex/#comments Mon, 15 Feb 2010 14:00:02 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1314 http://kinseyconfidential.org/girlfriend-feel-bad-sex/feed/ 0 3:12 Real Life Sex Sex is a curious thing that people react to in very different ways. Unfortunately, we donrsquo;t often see sex portrayed in very ... Real Life Sex Sex is a curious thing that people react to in very different ways. Unfortunately, we donrsquo;t often see sex portrayed in very nuanced ways in movies or on television. Sex is often shown as very erotic in movies or as highly exciting or sensation- or performance-focused in much mainstream porn. And yet in reality, people may experience many different emotions in connection with sexual expression and for any number of reasons. Being sexual with another person can make some people feel extremely vulnerable. After all, it involves taking off onersquo;s clothes, and for some people, sex can tap into the depth of their emotions. If they expect a lot of emotional closeness and donrsquo;t get it, they may feel lonely or sad. If they donrsquo;t or expect emotional closeness but their partner expresses emotions theyrsquo;re not ready for or feel able to deal with, they may feel uncomfortable or avoidant. The experience of sexual pleasure and orgasm can also tap into peoplersquo;s brain chemistry in ways that, as scientists, we donrsquo;t fully understand yet. There may be key physical differences that influence how some people feel during or after sex.nbsp; I have heard, for example, from several people who describe sadness associated with sex for reasons they donrsquo;t understand. Getting Help My suggestion would be to consider connecting with a trained sex therapist. Your girlfriend may find it helpful to speak with someone about her emotional experience of sexual expression. She can find a sex therapist through the Society for Sex Therapy and Research's website. She might also find it helpful to speak with a healthcare provider to determine if there are other mood or anxiety issues that may be bothering her more generally, even outside of sex. Expanding Your Repertoire In the meantime, you two might consider exploring a range of being intimate to better understand what helps her to feel good and what doesnrsquo;t. Perhaps there are certain types of physical intimacy, such kissing, cuddling, bathing together, or sensual touching, that will allow her pleasure without sadness. Also, although many women masturbate, some do not ndash; and thatrsquo;s okay. If shersquo;s not interested in self-pleasuring, thatrsquo;s alright. Many women have satisfying experiences of sexuality without incorporating masturbation into their lives. Finally, you two may enjoy reading For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy for tips on connecting in pleasurable ways. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/valentines-day-food-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/valentines-day-food-sex/#comments Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:00:15 +0000 Kinsey Confidential http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1559 http://kinseyconfidential.org/valentines-day-food-sex/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/normal-fantasize-sex-random-women/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/normal-fantasize-sex-random-women/#comments Thu, 11 Feb 2010 14:00:18 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1373 http://kinseyconfidential.org/normal-fantasize-sex-random-women/feed/ 0 3:17 Everyone Does It Yes, it is very common for women and men to fantasize about people other than their own partner. In fact, a study published ... Everyone Does It Yes, it is very common for women and men to fantasize about people other than their own partner. In fact, a study published in 2001 in The Journal of Sex Research found that, among 349 women and men ages 18 to 70, all of whom were in relationships at the time of the study, 98% of men and 80% of women said that they had fantasized about someone other than their partner over the previous 2 months. Why fantasize about someone else? Some people find it very stimulating to think about having sex with a friend, a co-worker, a classmate, a total stranger or even a celebrity. These fantasies may occur alone during masturbation or even in the middle of having sex with onersquo;s partner. Bucking the Routine The 2001 research study also found that sexual fantasies about other people are more common as people tend to stay together longer. This makes sense: as much as people may feel committed to each other, sex does tend to change in long term relationships. Couples tend to have sex less often with each other and, when they do have sex, it may feel more routine or less exciting than it did at first. As they look for ways to enhance their arousal and pleasure, they may find that fantasizing about others helps or is fun to do. Mental Infidelity Whether you consider this to be ldquo;cheatingrdquo; or not is more up to you than me. People have their own definitions of what cheating is so it is important for couples to communicate and decide what is or is not okay in the context of their own relationship. Most people would probably not consider fantasizing about others to be cheating ndash; particularly as most women and men do fantasize about people other than their partner. However, some might feel that it feels wrong or inappropriate to them. Fantasy vs. Real Life Sexual fantasies allow people to explore their sexual feelings in often very safe ways. In fantasy, you can explore sides of yourself without having to worry about what is politically correct or who is or is not actually available to you in real life. People can act out romantic sexual fantasies or very explicit no-feelings-involved sexual fantasies. They can be powerful or submissive, have sex with one person or many, or approach a stranger or even a long lost, high school love for sex, massage, making out or to become pregnant. Then, in the blink of an eye, one can turn the fantasy off, return to regular life or return to thinking about onersquo;s own partner. More Information To learn more about sexual fantasies and exploration, consider reading The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex or The Guide to Getting It On. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/valentines_day_2010/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/valentines_day_2010/#comments Tue, 09 Feb 2010 15:14:26 +0000 Kristen Mark (M.Sc.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1534 http://kinseyconfidential.org/valentines_day_2010/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/blogging-sex-invitation-harrassment/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/blogging-sex-invitation-harrassment/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 13:58:40 +0000 Natalie Ingraham (M.P.H.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1421 http://kinseyconfidential.org/blogging-sex-invitation-harrassment/feed/ 3 http://kinseyconfidential.org/access-denied-internet-hook-ups-awry/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/access-denied-internet-hook-ups-awry/#comments Sun, 31 Jan 2010 00:41:09 +0000 J. Bradley Blankenship (M.S.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1434 http://kinseyconfidential.org/access-denied-internet-hook-ups-awry/feed/ 1 http://kinseyconfidential.org/common-swing-lifestyle/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/common-swing-lifestyle/#comments Mon, 04 Jan 2010 14:00:26 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1317 http://kinseyconfidential.org/common-swing-lifestyle/feed/ 0 3:16 How Common is Swinging There are very few good studies on the swinging lifestyle in the United States let alone population based studies that would allow ... How Common is Swinging There are very few good studies on the swinging lifestyle in the United States let alone population based studies that would allow us to guess at just how common or rare swinging is. The data that we do have suggest that swinging is relatively uncommon in the United States. However, uncommon doesnrsquo;t mean that itrsquo;s right or wrong ndash; it just means that a minority of men and women engage in it. From Clubs to Living Rooms Swinging is also practiced in different ways. Some swinging, as you may know, takes place in club settings in which people may private membership dues to belong to the club. Other times, swinging takes place in the context of private parties that may occur in peoplersquo;s homes or in privately rented space at a club, bar or hotel. There are also swingers conventions that take place in cities around the world and that may draw as many as a few hundred or a few thousand adult women and men to come to a resort or hotel, to learn about whatrsquo;s new in the swing lifestyle, and to possibly meet new friends and partners. Rules and Regulations There are also different ways that swinging takes place. Some clubs or parties do not allow single men into the scene whereas others do. On the contrary, single women are more often allowed into swing events as they are, quite frankly, more often in demand for sex play. Couples themselves have their own rules on what will or wonrsquo;t work for them. Some couples decide that they will only engage in sex that occurs together whereas others enjoy splitting up and having sex with other people in private settings at the club or party or in their own home. Joining a Group There are also swing organizations that work in different ways. Some groups are open to anyone who is willing to sign up, join in and/or pay for an entry fee or a membership. Others are highly restrictive and may require that you be invited by an existing member or that you submit photographs or write essays before you are allowed to join. Risks and Rewards So while swinging is not entirely common, it is not terribly rare either. It is practiced by enough people that there are events that consist of hundreds or thousands of attendees. And while some people find that swinging is not for them, that they are too worried about sexual infection risk or unable to comfortable handle issues related to jealousy or communication, others very much enjoy the novelty and pleasure found in a swinging lifestyle. And aside from the sex, some women and men appreciate the new friendships that come from being sexual with others. More Information To learn more about swinging and having more than one lover, check out the book Opening Up. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/boyfriend-masturbate-porn/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/boyfriend-masturbate-porn/#comments Thu, 24 Dec 2009 14:00:57 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1310 http://kinseyconfidential.org/boyfriend-masturbate-porn/feed/ 1 2:53 Men and Women... and Porn Many women and men are raised in what may as well be two totally different worlds. Very often, girls are raised with ... Men and Women... and Porn Many women and men are raised in what may as well be two totally different worlds. Very often, girls are raised with the belief that porn ndash; which can be difficult to define in the first place ndash; is either wrong or a sign that a man is not as interested in or committed to his partner as he should be. On the other hand, many boys are raised to believe that it is common or normal to watch porn and that it can make masturbation or sex more exciting. Thatrsquo;s not to say that all men watch porn or like porn; they donrsquo;t. Itrsquo;s also not to say that some women donrsquo;t enjoy porn ndash; in fact, a growing number of women seem to be accessing porn, particularly as more women-centered porn images and videos are created. Porn's Affect on Relationships But in the United States, most men have watched porn, particularly as part of their masturbation, and it doesnrsquo;t necessarily mean that they are not satisfied with their relationship or their sex life. It may just be that your boyfriend has watched porn on and off throughout his life, perhaps starting as an older child or a teenager or young adult, and that he still enjoys doing so even now. Talking it Through You might try talking with your boyfriend about his masturbation and the fact that he watches porn. If you two talk about this, try to approach the issue with an open mind and a genuine interest in learning more about his experiences and where hersquo;s coming from. He may have a very different perspective on porn than you do. If he says that he is indeed attracted to you and satisfied with your sex life together, try talking about how you can approach the porn issue. Is there a way that you can learn to live with the fact that he watches porn? Is he willing to watch it less often or to not watch it in front of you? Or even to give up watching porn? Are you interested in finding some type of porn, or even educational videos about sex, that you two could watch together? There are a many different ways that couples negotiate their private and shared sexual lives and no ldquo;rightrdquo; or ldquo;wrongrdquo; way to figure this out. Find Out More Check out The Guide to Getting It On for more information about the many different ways that women and men experience their sexuality. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/hooking-todays-rewards-1960s-sexual-revolution/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/hooking-todays-rewards-1960s-sexual-revolution/#comments Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:00:12 +0000 Eric Anthony Grollman (M.A.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/hooking-todays-rewards-1960s-sexual-revolution/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/hooking-todays-rewards-1960s-sexual-revolution/feed/ 3 http://kinseyconfidential.org/race-ethnicity-affects-responds-online-dating/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/race-ethnicity-affects-responds-online-dating/#comments Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:00:02 +0000 Eric Anthony Grollman (M.A.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/raceethnicity-affects-responds-online-dating/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/race-ethnicity-affects-responds-online-dating/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/#comments Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:00:42 +0000 Eric Anthony Grollman (M.A.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/sex/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/defining-sex/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/men-women-accept-sexual-offers/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/men-women-accept-sexual-offers/#comments Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:15:26 +0000 Jennifer Bass (M.P.H.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1244 http://kinseyconfidential.org/men-women-accept-sexual-offers/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/#comments Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:00:32 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1232 http://kinseyconfidential.org/boredom-expressing-desire-variety-bedroom/feed/ 0 3:15 It can be challenging enough to find someone to date or marry who has enough of the qualities that a person wants in a partner. ... It can be challenging enough to find someone to date or marry who has enough of the qualities that a person wants in a partner. Even more difficult is to find someone who has these qualities, who you like or love, who likes or loves you back and who just happens to have the same sexual preferences or desires as you do. Different Likes and Dislikes Given the complexities of love and attraction, then, itrsquo;s actually quite common to have different likes or dislikes in regard to sex. It is how couples work out those differences that matters. In your situation, you and your fianceacute; appear to be at a standstill in regard to sexual intimacy. You participate in the sexual activities that appear to bring him enjoyment and/or orgasm ndash; specifically, vaginal intercourse that follows a little bit of foreplay. However, he has made it clear to you that he does not want to participate in any of the sexual activities that you crave. Further, you seem to feel as though he is unfairly comparing you to other women he has had sex with or that he is suggesting something may be wrong with you because your body responds in a different way than other women he has had sex with. Power Dynamics and Frustration This is problematic for several reasons. You seem to feel misunderstood and maybe unheard in your relationship. This is important to pay attention to because if you feel as though you donrsquo;t have power or a voice in your romantic and sexual relationship, then those types of power dynamics can lead to feelings of helplessness or frustration. Because yoursquo;ve expressed significant concern about the future of your sex life together, I would recommend that you consider meeting together with a sex therapist. Find A Sex Therapist Consider approaching him about your need to find some way to have a more mutually pleasurable sex life and your hope that a trained sex therapist might be able to help you two with your concerns and frustrations. You can find a sex therapist in your area through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapistsrsquo; web site or through the web site of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research. Content,Type,,Podcast,,Relationships,,Love aschweig@indiana.edu no No http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-sex-youth-intellectual-disabilities/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-sex-youth-intellectual-disabilities/#comments Thu, 08 Oct 2009 06:09:55 +0000 Jennifer Bass (M.P.H.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1200 http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-sex-youth-intellectual-disabilities/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-inanimate-objects/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-inanimate-objects/#comments Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:00:27 +0000 Natalie Ingraham (M.P.H.) http://wfiutest.rtv.indiana.edu/love-ofinanimate-objects/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/love-inanimate-objects/feed/ 0 http://kinseyconfidential.org/universities-institute-dorm-sex-policies/ http://kinseyconfidential.org/universities-institute-dorm-sex-policies/#comments Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:43:29 +0000 Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) http://kinseyconfidential.org/?p=1214 http://kinseyconfidential.org/universities-institute-dorm-sex-policies/feed/ 2