Q&A: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With Me

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QUESTION: When I initiate sex with my boyfriend, he loses his erection. He performs oral sex on me but he doesn't enjoy it. He does, however, enjoy gloves and boots and gets very stimulated by being touched with them. I'm almost positive he’s straight because I checked what he watches on his laptop. I don’t think he will talk to anyone. What should I do?

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Boots

Photo: BrittneyBush (flickr.com)

Sometimes people find that they can only become aroused by involving certain types of objects in their sex play. I wonder to what extent your boyfriend feels that he can only get or stay aroused if gloves or boots are involved.

Enjoying Sex Together

Even couples who find the same types of things, such as oral sex or vaginal intercourse, to be arousing sometimes find it difficult to create a shared sexual life that works well for them. When two people have very different sexual interests or preferences, it can pose unique challenges.

You, for example, seem to enjoy foreplay, oral sex and would like to have intercourse. However, your boyfriend seems to have only shown enjoyment of foreplay and stimulation that involves the use of gloves and boots.

If you are able to talk to each other about your sexual interests, you may find ways to create a shared sexual experience that you both enjoy, for example, having vaginal intercourse while wearing boots and gloves.

This is not to suggest that you should try this particular sex act; it is more to suggest that there may be ways for you to find a creative way to stay together and enjoy being sexual with each other.

Talking it Out

Communicating with each other will be important. I am not sure how much you are able to talk with each other about your relationship and sex life, as you mentioned trying to learn more about his sexual orientation by looking through his laptop, seemingly without him knowing. If you can talk openly together, you will be better situated to ask him questions and listen to what he says.

If you have questions about whether he is sexually attracted to women or men, or to you in particular, you may want to ask him those questions directly, particularly if you are considering spending your life together.

Boots in Bed

Sometimes people find that they can only become aroused by involving certain types of objects in their sex play. Based on what you described, I wonder to what extent your boyfriend feels that he can only get or stay aroused if gloves or boots are involved. If this is the case, he may not know how to talk to you about this or how to please you if the things you like are not the kinds of things that he likes.

Even if you believe he won’t talk to others, such as a counselor or therapist, about his interests, he might surprise you – especially if he is feeling as confused or frustrated about your relationship as you are.

Reality of the Relationship

You may want to consider, too, where your boundaries lie in regard to this relationship. Many times, relationships end not because people stop loving each other but because the life that the relationship offers them doesn’t work for them.

You may love your boyfriend very much, but if you two are not able to create a life, including a sex life, that works for you, then it may ultimately not be the relationship that best suits you. Spending some time thinking about what you need in a relationship may be helpful.

Find a Sex Therapist

If you think your boyfriend might be open to meeting together with a sex therapist or counselor, or if you would like to do so by yourself, you can find one through the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.

Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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