Q&A: My Boyfriend Likes It When I Have Sex With Other Men, I Don’t

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QUESTION: My boyfriend likes it if I also have sex with other men. After I come home, he likes to smell me, lick me and have sex with me. We have a problem because I stopped loving him as a result. I would like to please him, but I would really like to have sex just with him. How can I get used to having sex with these other men but without emotions?

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Cuckoldry relationships, also called the “hot wife” phenomenon, are relationships in which a woman either pretends to have sex with other men or actually has sex with other men and her male partner (such as a boyfriend or husband) is aroused as a result.

Thank you for writing to me. I’m sorry to hear that you’re not feeling okay about your current relationship.

Pulled In Two Directions

If I understand your situation correctly, you would like to be in a monogamous relationship with your boyfriend. However, he feels turned on when you have sex with other men and then come back to him.

In an effort to please him, you’ve given up what you want – which is a monogamous relationship – in exchange for what he wants, which is a non-exclusive relationship in which you “cheat” on him.

I put the word cheat in quotation marks because you’re not technically cheating on him if he is encouraging you to have sex with other people. Yet I wonder if part of the thrill for him is that he likes to imagine that you are cheating on him, or that you are out there either being “used” by other men or “using” other men.

These are common elements of what are called cuckoldry relationships, also called the “hot wife” phenomenon in which a woman either pretends to have sex with other men or actually has sex with other men and her male partner (such as a boyfriend or husband) is aroused as a result.

Emotional Attachments

When the woman is also into this concept and wants to have sex with other men, too, it can work well. Both partners may feel satisfied with their relationship and with their sex life.

Unfortunately, it seems as if this situation is only working out for your boyfriend and not for you.

Like many women and men, you may become emotionally attached to the men you have sex with. Or else you may choose to have sex with men you’re friends with or have feelings for.

Getting What You Want

In any case, you’ve found that when you’ve had sex with other men, it’s diminished your feelings of love for your boyfriend. I wonder if you’ve considered why you love him less.

Do you think it’s only because your relationships with other men have emotional components to them? Or might you also love your boyfriend less because you perhaps wonder why he wants you to have sex with other men, even though you don’t seem to want to have sex with other men?

I would encourage you to spend a good deal of time thinking about how you can have what you want. Even though you may love your boyfriend or want to strengthen your relationship with him, it may be that you two want different things out of life.

If he wants an open relationship and you want a monogamous relationship, then one of you may be left feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied. You might find it helpful to meet with a sex counselor or therapist alone or with your boyfriend. You can find such a therapist through sstarnet.org.

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Read Dr. Debby Herbenick’s response.

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Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.)

is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
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